Why friendship is important in relationships – as Queen Camilla shares secrets to happy marriage
The Queen marked her 20th anniversary with The King by donning her silk chiffon wedding dress during the couple’s state visit to Italy, and shared that laughter, friendship, and simply “getting on with life” are the secrets to a happy marriage.Speaking to reporters in Italy on the day of their anniversary (Wednesday), Queen Camilla said: “Who could believe it was 20 years?”
She added: “What is the secret? I don’t know, well, I suppose it’s just sort of friendship, really.
“Laughing at the same things, getting on with life. I suppose doing this (gesturing to the engagement) takes up most of the time.”
We have spoke to some relationship experts who have shared some insights on why friendship is not only essential to a fulfilling marriage, but also a strong foundation for navigating life’s ups and downs together.
What are some key signs that a couple has a strong friendship at the core of their marriage?
“If you’re engaging with a couple with a strong foundation of friendship you’ll see an element of playfulness and easiness between them,” highlights Catherine Cooke, divorce coach at Pivot. “They’ll be looking at each other when they’re speaking, they’ll be smiling and there may even be some shared jokes between them.
“You’ll see them being kind towards each other and being a team and working together and really showing that they care about each other.”
However, Cooke says that she often sees much more “stilted” conversations in couples who don’t have this strong sense of friendship.
“You can often sense an element of disconnect where the trust is gone and they may not be listening to each other,” says Cooke. “There will be less smiles and certainly less laughter. It will be more of a stilted conversation.”
How does maintaining a strong friendship within a romantic relationship contribute to its long-term success?
“An ability to actively listen to each other and understand the emotional impact of what someone is saying and to be able to hear each other out without getting defensive is really important and is a really key theme for successful and ongoing relationships,” says Susie Masterson, BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) registered relationship therapist and coach.
Having a secure friendship can also help a couple be better equipped when challenges and conflict do arise.
“If you don’t have that basis and ability to communicate well and have mutual respect, it can be difficult to navigate times of crisis and conflict and challenge that come up,” reflects Masterson. “To be able to talk to each other as friends and take the emotion out of it, that is the overlay of being in a romantic relationship and can be a really good place for people to try and navigate challenges.”
Being able to communicate like friends can also play a role in improving a physical connection.
“Talking about our physical and emotional needs are without feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable is important,” says Masterson. “Once we stop relying on chemistry and hormones, what is left is an ability to speak freely in front of someone and to experiment with somebody and to know that they will respect where we are at and meet us there.
“They will want to try and make compromises and make changes so that we continue to live a fulfilled life, including in our sex lives and in our intimacy.”
How can couples build on the friendship aspect of their relationship over time?
“Being able to cultivate that friendship and respect between the two of you, to see each other’s perspective as a way to give power to each other and the relationship is definitely something that can grow and develop,” says Masterson.
One way couples can build on this is by practising active listening.
“Listen to the entirety of what your partner is saying and give them the complete space to broadcast,” advises Masterson. “Then repeat play back what you think you have heard because that is affirming and validating for the other person – and also try to capture what the emotional request might be to do with that.”
If you could share one reflection with newlyweds about friendship in marriage, what might it be?
“If you’ve got that friendship, don’t take it for granted. Keep it going,” says Cooke. “Keep the fun, keep connected, and keep sharing things. You have got to find time for quality time to have fun together, and this is especially important when life gets busy.”
The divorce coach also stresses the importance of regularly checking in with your partner.
“The longer you are with somebody, you can often start to assume that you know them so well and know exactly what they are thinking, but I think it’s really important that you don’t make assumptions and do check in with each other,” advises Cooke. “Just asking how are you, how was your day and sharing funny moments from your day helps keep you connected.”
Masterson also recommends writing a list of what attributes and characteristics are important to you and your friendships.
“This can help you understand how to cultivate a friendship, what is important to you and how to work on that. It helps shine a light on that in your romantic relationship,” says Masterson.
