We’ve all been there: vowing to join a convent after yet another failed talking stage, and still holding out hope that maybe the nice new man from Hinge could be the one to save you from a life of celibacy. But no. He’ll inevitably treat you to a monologue about his every passing thought: the reasons why we can’t print more money, the recent hike he went on that really reconnected him with nature, the esoteric French art film he just watched (he’ll assume that you must have never heard of it). The only question he’ll manage to ask is “How about you?”, and yet he’ll feel positive that you two had a ‘special connection’ and even hint at the possibility of a second date.
Sound familiar? I’m not surprised. The ‘conversation gap’ between men and women within the context of heterosexual relationships is a well-documented phenomenon: sociolinguistics professor Deborah Tannen popularised the idea that men and women approach conversations differently in her 1990 book You Just Don’t Understand, where she argued that men seek to negotiate and cement their status in the social hierarchy, often “exhibiting knowledge and skill by holding centre stage through verbal performance”. By contrast, women aim to develop connections, exploiting questions to “discover similarities and matching experiences”. While Tannen’s work was controversial, relying more on personal anecdotes than in-depth research, it has since prompted subsequent researchers to explore the commonly reported gendered differences in how men and women view the purpose of interpersonal interactions.
noooo i would love to go on a second date where you don’t ask me a single question
— tanya (@Tanya_Sabrinaaa) August 25, 2024
Many factors can contribute to this ingrained sense of male entitlement in conversation, including upbringing and family dynamics, cultural differences, and individual communication styles. But dominant, pervasive gender norms remain the main culprit. “Generally, men have always expected people to listen to them – most especially your average straight white male from the UK. No one has ever told him to be quiet, to apologise for the way that he feels, to read the room. If someone has an opposite opinion, it’s not voiced,” psychotherapist and author Gin Lalli tells Dazed. Meanwhile, women are in a constant state of self-surveillance, driven by the belief that we were put on this earth to please others.
Arguably the ‘conversation gap’ has only widened in the post-pandemic milieu. Prolonged isolation stunted the social skills required to form meaningful connections, further contributing to the ongoing epidemic of male loneliness. “Guys don’t always have a tight-knit group to call their own and even when they do, they’re not having deep conversations in the same way women do. But it’s still something they crave, as human beings. This is why, when women give them a platform during dates, they tend to treat them like a captive audience, an opportunity to offload any emotions they don’t always have the chance to process,” Lalli said.
In spite of these negative experiences, many of us have been known to give even the most uninterested prospects the benefit of the doubt. Bea, a 23-year-old senior investment associate, fell victim to “the most insecure narcissist [she’s] ever met” – coincidentally, the same guy I had once spoken to who inspired me to pitch this article. “His whole personality was centred on what he did for work and there was just so much self-importance in the way he talked,” Bea recalls. “But a common friend of ours vouched for him and said that he had a really good character, so I thought it was my job to bring him out of his shell.” Meanwhile, 26-year-old freelance illustrator Sara* once dated a man who frequently bragged about the other girls he was seeing on the side. “In the end, I knew I just had to accept that he just wasn’t for me and not the one I see myself committing to.”
“Us women, we already have enough on our hands. Teaching basic human decency to grown men isn’t supposed to be one of them” – Gin Lalli, psychotherapist and author
Perhaps one reason we make excuses for men is because their failure to see us as actual human beings can often be a direct hit to our self-esteem. “At first, when I would think about the way he spoke to me, I’d be left wondering, ‘Am I uninteresting? Am I boring? Am I just not fun to talk to?’,” Bea says. “I always thought ‘maybe he just needs to get to know me more’, and then he’d finally act like a decent conversationalist.” But, as Lalli says, this is rarely the case. “If a man likes a girl, they might even end up dominating the conversation even more through peacocking,” Lalli explains. “What [many] don’t realise is that this isn’t what women want.”
It goes without saying men are often painfully lacking in the self-awareness department, which is partly why so many men in their twenties are still apparently unaware that it’s rude to not ask your date any questions. But our standards are shifting for the better, and it’s becoming clear that women are increasingly reluctant to put up with men who simply won’t stop yapping. Lalli has some advice for male readers: “Read a book, watch a movie, mingle in mixed groups. Stop interacting with the same ‘yes men’ who reinforce these behaviors. All these resources are available to men today and they must take it upon themselves to improve and up their game.”
wait this date was so bad he didn’t ask me a single question and talked about his music for probably 45 minutes while i just sat there ranking southpark episodes in my head https://t.co/8OQXi4Qh1e
— bernadine sanderson (@_livash) August 17, 2024
As for women, it would be helpful to resist the urge to cancel every single man we’ve been on a bad date with. Sometimes, we run into awkward outliers who deserve a second chance: nervous types who might just be particularly passionate about their topics of choice, and are likely to send an apology text once we’ve got home.
That said, our tendency to get trapped in one-sided conversations does speak to a collective need for assertiveness. “Women should not be afraid to set the tone and model the kind of conversation they want,” Lalli suggests. Whether men are receptive to these signals or not is a tell-tale sign if they deserve another date: are they slowly but surely making the effort to engage? Are they willing to adjust and respond to your nudges? Or, do they still see you as a mere concept, a sounding board for their self-proclaimed brilliant ideas? If all signs point to the negative, there’s no shame in leaving.
“When you feel disrespected, you’re not wrong. You can slowly bring the conversation to a close. You’re not even obligated to give them feedback on how they can do better,” Lalli says. “Us women, we already have enough on our hands. Teaching basic human decency to grown men isn’t supposed to be one of them.”
*Name has been changed
