When Tom started spending time in the shed and refusing sex, Anna thought it was just middle-age. Then she discovered his shocking addiction – I’ve seen it ruin thousands of marriages

Anna, 50, had been married to Tom, 51, for 20 years when he started spending all his free time in the garden shed, never wanting to socialise or talk to her.

As for their once-healthy sex life, now Tom made every excuse not to be intimate. He also became increasingly defensive, blaming stress, work and even Anna for putting on weight and prioritising their children.

She wondered if he was having an affair but that made no sense because he was always at home. Two years later, Anna finally discovered the real reason for Tom’s behaviour.

An unusual transaction on their shared credit card turned out to be a payment to an internet sex site. Anna, accessing Tom’s browsing history, followed an online trail only to discover he had been watching porn for several hours every day, even when he was allegedly working.

We’ve heard a lot about the dangers of internet porn – how it’s negatively affecting children and preventing young men from developing healthy sexual relationships. What is rarely spoken about is how many middle-aged and older people are also affected.

In the UK, thousands of men over 40 are addicted to pornography, and it’s clear to me as a sex and relationship therapist that this addiction is destroying sex lives and marriages. While I’ve been practising for 30 years, 15 years ago I started to see more and more men seeking help.

This addiction is not about the volume of porn viewed but using it to the extent that it’s causing significant problems in a person’s life and relationship. And then, despite these problems, they are unable to stop.

Which is why I now specialise in sex and porn addiction, providing counselling to both the addicted and non-addicted partner, as well as running groups and helping couples rebuild trust and intimacy.

Research from my Pivotal Recovery programme, which helps men overcome their addiction, discovered 90 per cent admitted porn use had affected their sexual functioning, 90 per cent said it had caused conflict in their relationship, and 79 per cent said it increased their risk of divorce or separation.

Some – but not all – women who discover their partner has a porn addiction say it feels like cheating. One woman told me, ‘He chose to have sex with pictures instead of me. It’s like an affair.’

In my view, porn addiction isn’t so much infidelity as a betrayal. The issue is the secrecy, the lies and deceit. What most damages relationships is the deceit – the realisation your husband has been lying to you. He wasn’t really working late or stuck in traffic, and he didn’t need to go to the shed to fix anything.

Sometimes the addiction extends to visiting websites for more personal interactions and sending photos and messages – and it can be incredibly difficult for partners to deal with this.

One client kept the times of his online interactions with sex workers in his diary, for instance, Monday, Samantha at 10.30; Wednesday, Rachel at 11. When his wife discovered this, she refused to believe he was not sleeping with the women.

It was only when he provided watertight alibis (being on holiday with her at the same time), that he proved his innocence.

‘Porn addiction’ is not classified as a distinct disorder. The World Health Organisation lists it under the umbrella of ‘compulsive sexual behaviour disorders’, a term describing a sexual impulse control issue.

The number of porn addicts worldwide is shocking – and it’s on the rise. The International Sex Survey of 2021 revealed that nearly 100million people may be addicted.

Men struggle the most… 4.5 per cent in the UK met the criteria for compulsive porn use, compared with just under 1 per cent of women.

Perhaps the most surprising thing about porn addiction is it isn’t really about sex at all, but about fantasy and our preoccupation with searching and scrolling. Like all addictions, it offers an escape from reality. It may start with sexual curiosity and a desire for sexual pleasure, by tapping into our natural libido.

But while watching people have sex defines the addictive activity, arousal very quickly stops being the goal or the outcome.

The real issue is the internet – we all know that constantly scrolling and chatting to people on social media can become addictive – and it’s the same with porn. You can scroll from video to video in seconds, and there’s a never-ending supply to satisfy every fantasy, every impulse.

The very nature of porn sites drives addiction. Many are first drawn in by free clickbait. Then they get hooked and the algorithms steer them to search for more novelty and variety.

No partner – however loving, glamorous or adventurous – could ever compete with this.

We know novelty causes spikes in dopamine, the reward-seeking hormone that’s the common denominator in all addictions. Porn addiction is driven by dopamine in the brain, not testosterone in the genitals.

That’s one reason why it has such a negative impact on a couple’s sex life – particularly for older men who may need more stimulation to perform.

Research shows men addicted to porn have much higher levels of erectile dysfunction. One hypothesis suggests they have become used to a certain level of arousal, but that arousal is dopamine arousal not genital arousal. Hence they can no longer get excited without porn offering that extra ‘kick’.

And watching porn is a lot easier than having to perform in the bedroom, as there’s no fear of failure or disappointment – and nobody asks you to load the dishwasher first.

It’s a vicious circle – if your husband is watching a lot of porn, he’s never going to get hungry for sex, because his appetite is sated. And men with a secret porn habit often suffer from feelings of shame and guilt, making them withdraw further from their wives.

If they do attempt sex, they often find unwanted images coming to mind, making them feel guilty and unable to perform. All too often, they develop performance anxiety – and so it worsens.

So, what drives some men to become addicts? The same domino effect that drives some to become alcoholics, while others drink safely.

Take my clients Eleanor and husband, Robert, both 55. After 25 years of marriage, they weren’t having much sex any more.

Frustrated, Robert began watching porn occasionally. Then he was made redundant, couldn’t find another job, and their house flooded. All of this conspired to resurrect childhood feelings of rejection and helplessness.

Porn made him feel better. What had been an occasional interest suddenly became a coping mechanism: a comforting distraction from all his stresses. Until he found he couldn’t stop.

For some, the trigger is a bereavement. For others, it’s becoming a father or a grandfather. It can even be a partner’s serious illness. One couple came to see me after the wife was diagnosed with breast cancer.

She was horrified because just when she needed his support, he withdrew, watching porn at all hours. It turned out his mother had died when he was very young, and the shock at hearing his wife’s diagnosis had triggered long-held fears of abandonment.

This catapulted his recreational use of porn into compulsive usage.

I have often been told by men who are struggling that when they’re at work, they always have two devices on: one for their job, and the other streaming porn.

It serves as a distraction, but it also means it takes them longer and longer to get their work done, which soon creates an even bigger problem. That then leads to more stress and anxiety, and more shame.

Often, women blame themselves because the problem begins after they have gone off sex and withdrawn all intimacy, perhaps because of menopause symptoms – a phenomenon known as ‘bed death’. While ‘bed death’ may be a contributing factor, it is never the cause.

Nobody is responsible for their partner’s addiction.

One of my clients tried to blame his wife, saying that if she hadn’t stopped wanting sex – because her libido had diminished, leaving him feeling frustrated – he’d never have started watching it.

I made it clear to them both this wasn’t the case, and his addiction was in no way her fault.

Sadly, couples do end their marriages because of porn addiction. If a couple’s issues can’t be addressed, then sometimes that is the only option. One woman I counselled wanted to save her marriage. But after being lied to and gaslighted by her husband for years – him telling her she’d ‘let herself go’ – she felt all trust had gone. Even though he was able to stop watching porn obsessively, she couldn’t continue in the marriage.

But divorce is not inevitable. No one should be rushed into making a decision until they fully understand what’s happened and what they’re facing, especially if they have children.

If your partner is willing to accept there’s a problem and wants to change, then it is possible to rebuild trust and move forward together as a couple. With most addictions, there are usually early warning signs that someone is developing a problem. The addict might get hangovers, put on weight, start to have comedowns or to get into debt.

There are clear side-effects and other people might notice and intervene, providing the opportunity to think, ‘I need to get a grip on this’ – to cut down on drinking or to cut up credit cards. But with porn addiction, there are no early warning signs. It just builds until, before you know it, your husband is watching porn every spare moment of the day and can’t stop.

He hasn’t been to the gym for six months, he isn’t gardening or seeing friends any more, he’s just making up excuses to hide in the bathroom. The problem is often only recognised in hindsight. And that’s just one reason it’s so dangerous and insidious.

• Names and ages have been changed
• For more information, see: pivotalrecovery.org for self-help and thelaurelcentre.co.uk – for individual and couple therapy and support groups for partners. 
• Interview by Hilary Freeman