‘We’re on our way!’ Why your friends secretly wish you’d stop bringing your partner everywhere

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Millie Hall* had been living in Tokyo for almost two years when she decided to take a trip back home to London to see her closest friends. But when the 28-year-old touched down in Heathrow and headed to a cafe for a long-awaited reunion with one of her university girls, she saw a stranger sitting at the table – her mate’s boyfriend. “I’d heard of him. But I didn’t know him,” she says. “He only talked to her – directly to her – and not to me at all. Suddenly, this isn’t a year and a half’s worth of catching up because this random ass man is sitting with us while we’re trying to enjoy a croissant and a coffee.”

People constantly inflict their partners on their social circle against their will. What starts as introducing a new love interest to the group quickly becomes an attempt to shoehorn them into every occasion. Girlfriends are taken to uni group drinks, to secret groans from the room. Boyfriends are brought along to birthday dinners, despite not being invited. “We’re on our way!” they text, 20 minutes pre-arrival, thus dropping the favoured linguistic bombshell that their partner will, once again, be there too. Surprise!

Charlotte Evans* just wants to hang out with the friends she’s had since primary school. But, out of their group of six, four of them are in “outrageously co-dependent” couples, meaning she “can’t remember” the last time they met up without at least one of them bringing their other half along. “Last month, one of the girls invited us to stay at her house for the weekend and specifically said no partners because she didn’t have space,” she says. “Lo and behold, when we arrived, no one had brought plus ones… except for her.”

It’s easy to get addicted to taking “security blanket” partners everywhere, says author of Modern Friendship, Anna Goldfarb. But being dishonest about it doesn’t make it better. “Lying is one of the top three biggest friendship killers,” Goldfarb says. “If you tell your friends you’ll see them but tell your boyfriend it’s date night and bring him along just to try and keep everyone happy, that’s a reflection of poor boundaries, poor planning and people-pleasing tendencies. You end up just pissing everyone off.” Indeed, a study found that people lose two friends on average each time they get into a relationship.

Springing a partner onto a social group can also be inherently selfish (another of the main reasons friendships end, according to recent research) as it leaves no room for anyone else at the table to speak candidly about their lives. “It’s not even anything personal to the partners,” claims Evans. “They’re all lovely and personable and have told me many fascinating facts about bitcoin – but it does change the dynamic when they’re there. It makes the conversation feel oddly stilted. These are my friends I’ve known for years, who I feel I can truly relax and be myself with… You can’t let it all hang out in the same way though when the latest partner they’re trying to impress is there,” she adds.

Hall echoes the same sentiments. She wants to share slutty stories – not make small talk. There’s something inherently giddy, ridiculous and fun about just being with your mates. “The whole reason you reach out to your friends is to have girl time,” she says. “If you want to talk about wild nights from uni or travelling – funny drunk memories – you can’t because their boyfriend might be funny about it. You’re trying so hard to be appropriate in front of their partner. You can never really delve deep. So, now this conversation is bland and boring. It just sucks all the joy and fun out of everything you’re doing.”

Of course, there is compromise. Both girls admit that their friend’s partners who they’ve known for longer have gradually become welcome at more events, because they’ve earned their trust to be included in their personal life debriefs. They like them. They can share in front of them – but even then, they shouldn’t be there all the time. “That puts a lot of pressure on your partner, and that’s not fair either,” Goldfarb adds.

Surprise! Co-dependent couples have a habit of shoehorning their other halves into social plans (Getty)

Notably, despite the overdone “ball and chain” stereotype that suggests women are the clingy ones, it overwhelmingly appears to be Gen-Z women complaining that men are gatecrashing their plans online in recent years. “I am not going to hold your hand when I say this, I don’t want your boyfriend to come,” one TikTok user said in a brutal and now-viral post to over one million likes of approval. “I don’t want my boyfriend to come either,” read one girlfriend’s comment in response. So, why do they get the invite?

According to Goldfarb, many heterosexual men look to their partners to do their social organising for them. “Men let their own lives atrophy,” she says. “With the loneliness epidemic (research conducted in 2021 found that 15 per cent of men claimed to have no close friends at all), you can see how it could be appealing to just latch up. Like, ‘Now I have this emotional support pillow. I’m just gonna go wherever she goes.’” Cue the fuming girls’ group chat wondering why they can never have a minute alone.

Goldfarb emphasises the need for friends to point out when plus ones have begun to rub them up the wrong way, rather than “silently resenting it” in order to not rock the boat. “The person doing it might be so wrapped up in their own social anxiety they don’t realise it’s turning the group off,” she says, adding it’s important not to judge or criticise when bringing up the problem unless you want the friendship to implode.

Vibe shift: Bringing partners to group hang outs can alter the dynamic in questionable ways (Getty)

“Tell them, ‘It’s important for me to connect with you. I love your boyfriend but I was really hoping it would just be us today,’” she suggests, in a technique that sounds similar to gentle parenting. “Part of being a great friend is being authentic with your needs, wants and desires.”

In the warm glow of the honeymoon period, and indeed the cosiness of a comfortable relationship that comes after that, it can be easy to forget the importance of having separate social circles. Not just so you don’t lose yourself, but so your friends don’t lose you too.

“Obviously, I still love my school friends and want them to be happy and fulfilled in their relationships,” says Evans. “I’m also aware it’s an honour to be introduced to their partners – people who they could, ultimately, end up spending their lives with. Would I like to see my friends feel that same happiness about something outside of their relationship, though? Would I like to see them laugh over a cocktail about a new job or hobby or some stupid memory from school without their bored partner in tow?” she asks. “Call me a spinster, but yes. Yes I would.”

*Names have been changed