Danish children are among the happiest in the world, and parenting experts believe they know the secret.
Denmark consistently ranks among the top three happiest countries globally, according to the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD). This happiness, experts suggest, stems from the unique Danish approach to raising children.
Jessica Joelle Alexander, a Danish parenting expert, connects Denmark’s four-decade reign as a happiness leader to its distinct child-rearing practices. These methods, she argues, foster a sense of well-being that permeates Danish society.
“It must be the parenting,” she explains. “Happy children grow up to be happy adults who raise happy children, and it is a cycle that simply repeats itself.”
She says that when she went to Denmark for the first time, she was struck by how Danish kids behaved. “The children all seemed so serene, content, respectful and well-behaved. There was almost no yelling and parents looked genuinely joyful. The simplicity of childhood was valued and treasured in a way I had never seen before.”
Now a mother-of-two who’s lived in Denmark with her Danish husband, Alexander says the way Danes raise their children changed her so much as a parent that she wanted to tell others about it. So she wrote The Danish Way Of Parenting, which has been published in more than 30 countries, and has now written a follow-up guide, The Danish Way Every Day with her friend Camilla Semlov Andersson, a Danish family therapist.
The new book describes the Danish parenting model in more detail, explaining how Danes get their children to do chores, cook together and settle into bedtime routines, as well as exploring how they deal with toddler meltdowns and teen conflicts.
“From mornings, to mealtimes to bedtime, conflicts are a parenting problem across the globe,” stresses Alexander. “Meltdowns seem to know no borders – or do they? How do the happiest people in the world avoid conflict in daily life?”
Alexander uses six principles which form the acronym PARENT, that she identified in her first book as being at the heart of Danish child-rearing, to explain how parents should deal with conflicts and meltdowns the Danish way.
Play: essential for development and wellbeing
Authenticity: fosters trust and an ‘inner compass’
Reframing: helps kids cope with setbacks and look on the bright side
Empathy: allows us to act with kindness towards others
No ultimatums: no power struggles or resentment
Togetherness: a way to celebrate family time, on special occasions and every day
And here’s how to use the principles to tackle family conflict and meltdowns…
Play
Alexander suggests parents try not to see everyday activities as obstacles to spending time together, but rather as opportunities. She says research shows small children love to help out, and advises: “Even if it slows you down now, consider that you’re creating a helper for life, with less conflict later on.
“So if you have a ‘to-do’ list, look to include your kids in a ‘to-be’ list – how we want to be/feel with our kids in the doing – instead. Remember that work is play for small children, and they love to be with you. Patience, not perfection, is key.”
Authenticity
Rather than perfect parents, children need emotionally honest ones, stresses Alexander. She says parents should check-in with themselves and their child often, and ask if you can be fully or semi-present. “If you’re having a hard day, it’s ok to admit it,” she explains. “Include yourself in communication as a real person, not as a parent role. So instead of ‘Mummy wants you to go to bed now,’ try ‘I have work to finish tonight but you can choose one story’.
“Children who feel taken seriously – in our words, tone and actions – will take themselves seriously.”
Reframe
If you see your child as annoying, aggressive or bad, you’ll react this way, exacerbating power struggles, says Alexander, who explains that Danes try to avoid giving children negative labels because they can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. “The ‘terrible twos’, for example, are called ‘selvstændighedsalder’ or the independence age,” she says. “A toddler’s wilfulness is considered normal, healthy and even welcomed – they aim to give them more autonomy, rather than fight it.”
For instance, she suggests that in the supermarket young children are allowed to take their own mini-trolley around, help take items from the shelf or put groceries on the belt. “Rather than seeing them as a hindrance, see them as a helper,” she advises. “Focus on what they can do, rather than what they can’t, and there will be far less conflict.”
Empathy
Alexander says the more you look for and understand the reason behind your child’s behaviour, the less conflict you’ll have, pointing out that there are always good reasons for a child’s emotions. Co-author Andersson explains: “We believe children have the right to their own feelings. So if a child says ‘I’m not hungry’, we wouldn’t say ‘yes you are – eat!’”
So while parents can decide when and what the family eats, they should let their child decide how much they eat, says Alexander. “The Danish way doesn’t mean being permissive and not having boundaries – not at all,” she stresses. “It just means children always have the right to their feelings, senses and needs within a framework. We can help them develop empathy simply by believing how they feel.”
No ultimatums
Studies clearly show children from families who govern with respect are far more likely to be influenced by their parents, not their peers, as teenagers, says Alexander, who suggests parents should make agreements with their kids, rather than doling out orders. “These are hugely popular in Denmark,” she explains, “because children feel part of the plan. Whether it’s chores, bedtimes or screentime, kids have a say and it´’s a more effective way to foster responsibility long-term.”
She says if an agreement is broken, parents should try to remain calm and “get curious, not furious”. She stresses: “We can’t expect our children to remain calm if we can’t. Remember, the cycle comes back to you. Good begets good, bad begets bad, out of control begets out of control, and calm begets calm.”
Togetherness and Hygge
Hygge essentially means ‘cosiness’, but Alexander says you can imagine it as a psychological space you enter with your family where you leave your stress, negativity and complaining outside. She says hygge is a great way to prevent meltdowns, and it could be the state of mind while baking together, being present and not stressing about the mess, or helping (rather than ordering) your teen do the dishes and enjoying the simple conversations.
She says: “Sometimes, just sitting down on a nature walk to look at the bugs together can calm a child and bring enormous connection. Many Danish schools get kids outside regularly for this very reason. When you actively focus on glimmers – the little things we love about our children – rather than the things that upset us, it makes a tremendous difference in the day-to-day.”
