The five signs your partner is going to cheat on you BEFORE it happens – and the secret questions that expose infidelity risks

You’ve met a new partner and you’re in the first flush of love. But how can you tell if they’re really The One or whether, deep down, they don’t truly believe in monogamy? Intriguingly, relationship expert Louanne Ward, from Perth, Australia, believes there are ways to predict a likely cheater. Over 20 years as a certified matchmaker, with her own successful agency, she’s seen the signs and worked out the patterns that often point to infidelity down the line.

And with one in three Australians admitting in a 2024 survey to either cheating or thinking about cheating, the likelihood of dating a two-timer is higher than you think.

It’s by no means a given, but if your partner ticks any of these five boxes, she says be wary: they may well have a roving eye…

1. They’ve got a high ‘body count’

It’s not a very woke phrase and some people don’t like asking, but the reality is someone who has had many sexual partners, or lots of ‘hook-ups’ involving sex with no emotional connection, may be more prone to seek variety or struggle with long-term exclusivity.

This doesn’t mean they’re incapable of commitment, but it could indicate a higher risk. By contrast, someone who’s been in a long-term relationship before – with no cheating! – is a safer bet.

To uncover this risk, ask your partner: What’s your view of one-night stands?

2. One or both of their parents was unfaithful

It sounds counter-intuitive, but people who grew up in a home where a parent cheated are more likely to view infidelity as an acceptable practice than those who didn’t. They’re likely to see it as less harmful and more inevitable because it’s been normalised in their formative years. 

Chat to your boyfriend or girlfriend about their childhood home and what kind of marriage their parents had, and take note!

Ask your partner these questions: Did infidelity ever occur in your parents’ relationship? How did that influence your views on loyalty?

3. They have a history of cheating

Not rocket science, this one, but certainly backed up by science. One US study from 2017 found those who were unfaithful in one relationship had three times the odds of being unfaithful in the next, compared to those who embraced monogamy. 

A new love who tells you he cheated in the past, and shrugs it off, should ring alarm bells. And if you were the Other Woman (or man) and they left her (or him) for you, then how surprised can you really be if they do the same to you?

Ask your partner these questions: Have you ever been unfaithful in a relationship? What led to that decision, and how do you feel about it now?

4. They’ve got an ‘avoidant attachment style’

In the mid-20th century, British psychoanalyst John Bowlby identified the ‘attachment styles’ we learn as infants, that are now seen as key to understanding how people relate to romantic partners. 

Avoidantly attached people shun emotional closeness and intimacy, and often struggle with commitment. They often fear that dependence on someone else will lead to disappointment and loss.

If your potential partner often cancels plans, finds it hard to talk about feelings, has ghosted you in the past and then come back (known as ‘zombie-ing’), is unempathetic or distrustful of others, they may be avoidantly attached. 

A lack of bonding at a deeper level means they don’t feel responsible for the feelings of others – and won’t see cheating as the deep betrayal you see it as.

Ask your partner this question: Do you ever feel the need to disconnect and spend periods of time alone for no real reason?

5. They’re overly-impulsive 

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of spontaneity, especially if it’s romantic in nature. But that’s very different from someone who’s at the mercy of their every emotion or takes risky decisions on a whim. If they’re prone to outbursts of anger or they overreact to the slightest setback, if they seem to act on impulse and don’t care what people think, then the chances of infidelity rise.

Ask your partner this question: Do you think it’s possible to stay sexually attracted to the same person for a long period of time?

Avoidantly attached people often struggle with intimacy and commitment. Learning to distance themselves emotionally and physically potentially leads to infidelity

To nip infidelity in the bud, draw up a ‘relationship agreement’   

Seeing one or more of these ‘predictors’ in a partner doesn’t guarantee they’ll be unfaithful, of course. Instead, view them as red flags and use them to inform your overall perspective on the relationship. Talk to your partner about how you feel and why you think they’re at higher risk of cheating.

Or go one better and ask to draw up a ‘relationship agreement’ that helps both partners feel secure and respected.

An agreement like this is a mutual understanding of what you want the relationship to look like to ensure it’s healthy and happy. Think of it as a way to keep your sex life thriving and to manage temptations that might arise elsewhere.

It’s not a binding contract, or a set of rules, but a way to help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts by ensuring both partners are on the same page when it comes to fidelity.

Here are some ideas for your relationship agreement.

1. We’ll have regular check-ins

We agree to schedule regular discussions about our sexual and emotional needs, especially as life changes – for example, if we have kids or if work becomes stressful. These check-ins will help us stay connected and ensure we’re both feeling fulfilled. 

2. We’ll change up our sex life

We agree that as we grow individually, our needs might change. Let’s commit to discussing any new desires that arise, without any judgement. This will stop our sex life becoming repetitive and keep our relationship strong. 

3. We won’t judge each other’s fantasies

What if we create a safe space where we can talk about our fantasies? Just because we discuss them doesn’t mean we have to act on them. Sometimes, just talking about them is enough. By having this agreement, we prevent these thoughts from turning into something that could harm our relationship. 

4. We’ll have ‘pre-infidelity discussions’

Let’s agree to be open if one of us feels a strong attraction to someone else. We could talk about it before it becomes an issue, which could help prevent infidelity and keep our trust in each other intact. 

5. We’ll set boundaries when it comes to ex-partners 

We could agree on certain boundaries that make us both feel secure – for example how we interact with ex-partners or friends who might pose a temptation. This way, we respect each other’s feelings and maintain trust. 

An ‘agreement’ in a relationship is a mutual understanding or decision made by both partners to follow certain principles or actions to maintain the health and happiness of the relationship

The three types of cheaters – and how to tell them apart

 Not all cheaters are alike! Some will fall into cheating and others meticulously plan it. For many, infidelity is opportunistic, and leaves them consumed by guilt. But for the scurrilous few, it’s repeated time and again with no remorse at all. Here’s all you need to know about the three main types…

If caught, ‘accidental’ cheaters say things like: ‘We didn’t set out to hurt anyone’ and ‘I love you, but I’m not sure I’m still in love with you’.

The ‘Accidental’ Cheater

• This kind of cheater will start by talking about a new person at work, at their tennis club or the gym, and you won’t think too much about it until you start to wonder why you’re hearing so much about them. Then like magic, poof, this new person disappears off the radar and there’s no mention of them again. That’s when the affair has started. 
• They stay back at work more often and travel or go out more often. 
• There is less frequent sex and affection at home, and they don’t kiss you like they used to. 
• They have increased and suspicious social media use. They will close apps and pages down when you walk into the room. 
• They are manscaped or waxed to perfection and have new clothes or lingerie that you haven’t seen before. 
• When the cheating is revealed, they convince themselves and anyone else who knows that it’s a very tough situation and the world should actually feel sorry for them. 
• They will use phrases like: ‘We didn’t set out to hurt anyone’ and ‘I love you but I’m not sure if I am still in love with you’. 

The ‘One-Off’ Cheater 

• This cheater is the one who has a momentary lapse of judgement during a break from the routine, like during a boys’ or girls’ holiday, weekend away or business trip. 
• On their return, they seem stand-offish and uncharacteristically uncommunicative or go out of their way to tell you how much they love you. 
• They will have moments of guilt and buy you unexpected gifts or even suggest your relationship progresses to the next level. 
• They will take you to nice places but the conversation is stilted. You might ask what’s wrong and they’ll say: ‘Nothing, I’ve never been happier’. 
• They put this uncharacteristic distance down to being ‘stressed at work’. 
• They daydream a lot because they are on the verge of becoming… 

The ‘Serial’ Cheater 

• One-off cheaters can become serial offenders – if a cheater gets away with cheating, the thrill of it can become exciting. 
• But serial cheaters are also a breed of their own. They are often narcissists, well-versed in deception and hard to detect because they have mastered their craft. 
• They go out of their way to tell you their ex was insecure and that they have friends of the opposite sex. After feeding this highly manipulative line, the serial cheater now has their ‘get out of jail free’ card if they need to use it 
• They get defensive when you ask about their night or who they were with 
• They’ll say things like: ‘Why are you asking me? You are making me feel like I’ve done something wrong,’ or ‘Why are you being suddenly insecure? I’m not going to talk about it’. 
• In your heart you know something isn’t right, but the cunning serial offender almost has you believing it’s all in your head. In fact, they will confess their undying love and in the same breath suggest you get help because you are ruining the relationship with your insecurities.