The dark side of sleepovers and how to protect YOUR child – as revealed by a former cop who has seen the horrors that can happen when the lights are turned off…
Kristi McVee was a week into her job as a specialist child interviewer with the Western Australia Police Force when her first sleepover case landed on her desk.
The details were harrowing to her that day, but over time the little girl’s story would become all too familiar to the detective senior constable.
The 11-year-old had been staying at her best friend’s house while the adults were up all night drinking. After lights out, the kids fell asleep, but the party continued.
She didn’t even hear the door opening. Her next memory was of waking up with the man on top of her in the darkness.
As a young mum fresh out of the WA police academy, Ms McVee had never considered that sleepovers could be one of the most dangerous places for a child.
Like most of us, she thought staying the night at a friend’s house was just innocent fun – and far less risky than playing outside where strangers are about.
These days she knows better.
Ms McVee now runs Child Abuse Prevention and Education Australia (CAPE), an organisation that educates parents on abuse risks and how to protect their children from predators.
Kristi McVee says sleepovers expose children to a significantly higher risk of abuse – be that from adults in the host family’s home or from other children
Each week, dozens of parents ask her whether sleepovers are safe, and her answer to them is always the same: ‘Definitely not.’
‘Sleepovers have a huge increased risk of abuse – not just from people that the kids are sleeping over with, but also other children,’ she told Daily Mail Australia.
‘All of my experience in the police showed me sleepovers were one of the highest risks for abuse – whether that’s sleepovers with family members, sleepovers with friends, sleepovers with people that you don’t even know.’
Ms McVee explained there are several risk factors associated with children staying with other families overnight – but if your child insists on going, there are steps you can take to mitigate the risk.
Ms McVee who runs Child Abuse Prevention and Education Australia, said ‘sleepovers have a huge increased risk of abuse’ (stock image)
If in doubt, host the sleepover
‘Some parents don’t take the necessary precautions and provide adequate supervision at sleepovers – which makes them a massive risk,’ she said.
‘When my daughter was younger, I only had kids come to my house.
‘She had one or two houses she was allowed to go to and that was because I knew those parents took her safety, and and the risks, as as seriously as I did.’
Tablets in bedrooms is a red flag
To identify potential red flags, Ms McVee urges parents to look for the differences in how children are supervised in other homes.
‘For example, I might believe that kids don’t get to have iPads or phones in their bedroom. They can only sit in the lounge room and use them,’ she said.
‘But they go to someone else’s house and they’ve got all of their devices in their bedrooms – so they’re up all night looking at websites they shouldn’t.’
Ms McVee (pictured during her time as a Western Australia Police officer) has warned parents against letting their young children attend sleepovers
Know every adult and older child who’s going to be there – every time
One of the biggest risk factors of sleepovers is the significantly higher potential for sexual abuse. This is an unavoidable fact that comes with letting your child stay over at another house.
With this in mind, the bare minimum you can do as a parent is know every single adult and older child who is going to be around your child.
‘You know, 90 per cent of all child sexual abuse is by someone known to your child; it’s not a complete stranger,’ Ms McVee said.
‘It could be older relatives, friends or even their own siblings – 30 to 50 per cent of all child sexual abuse is another child.’
She added the biggest risk of most sleepovers is parents ‘don’t know who what other adults are going to be in the home or who’s supervising them’ – because they don’t ask.
To identify potential red flags, Ms McVee urges parents to look for the differences in how children are supervised in other homes (stock image)
Make a checklist – get answers and don’t compromise
For parents who are considering allowing their child to go to a sleepover, Ms McVee has shared a checklist of questions they should ask the host family.
‘One of the first things is asking who’s going to be there. Which older siblings, adults, friends are going to be there during the time?’ she said.
‘What activities they’re going to be doing during the sleepover? Are the host parents going to take them out somewhere. If so, are they’re going to be with them the whole time?
‘Who is supervising them and where? What are the sleeping arrangements?
‘Are the kids all sleeping together in the lounge room or are they in bedrooms? Are they out in a tent in the backyard?
‘What tech and device rules do the family have? Are they allowed to have their devices overnight or are they getting taken off them at a certain time?’
Ask yourself, are the host parents abuse-aware?
Ms McVee urges parents to ask the family hosting the sleepover tough questions about what they are doing to prevent abuse.
At a minimum, do they teach their own children body safety?
Body safety means teaching kids to recognise their personal boundaries and understand consent. It emphasises the right to say no to unwanted touch, identifying trusted adults, and knowing how to report inappropriate behaviour.
Being ignorant to this basic step to preventing and recognising abuse is a red flag.
Also ask the host family if they are open to children calling home at any time during the stay. A child should never be stopped from contacting their mum or dad.
If you’re hosting the sleepover
Ms McVee’s advice doesn’t just apply to parents releasing their children into another family’s care; it also extends to host families who need to thoroughly question if they are providing a safe space.
‘I was always very mindful that if I’m asking kids to come to my house, I have to provide a safe environment for them,’ she said.
‘It’s a responsibility we shouldn’t take lightly and that we should put more emphasis on. It’s our responsibility to ensure all children feel safe with us.’
If possible, delay sleepovers until their teens
The case of the 11-year-old girl was a rude awakening for Ms McVee to the horror thousands of Australian children face.
‘I learnt a lot of this stuff in the job as I went along, and my daughter was only two when I joined,’ she said.
‘I obviously had the blinkers ripped off when I joined. I just think it’s not a risk worth taking.
‘There’s time for sleepovers when they’re older – teenagers. Once they’re old enough to speak up if something happens, once they’ve got the confidence to do that, you can allow them to stay over at other people’s houses.’
