Single at 40 and my dating life stagnant, I longed to feel seen again like I was 25. So I embraced these ‘five flirty rules for life’ and, a few flings later, discovered they actually worked

Two weeks ago, I hit a wall.

Not literally, though my dating life was starting to feel like repeatedly running into one. Same routines, same faces, same toxic men circling back. It was giving Groundhog Day. Snore.

So, in a moment of glorious, f**k-it energy, I booked a flight to New York City. I had no grand plan, no life-altering reason – just an itch for something different and the privilege of being able to work from anywhere. 

Why not shake things up from the other side of the world?

One cheeky business class upgrade (thank you, Qantas) and a very accommodating best friend later, I landed in the city that never sleeps. Where, apparently, neither do I.

The one week I had planned stretched into two, and then some, because the plot twist I was searching for kept unfolding. Over and over again.

I don’t know why, but I become a different person in NYC. Bolder. Unapologetic. There’s a delicious recklessness in knowing that if it all goes sideways, I can just hop on a flight home, reputation intact, like it never even happened. 

But what I didn’t expect, as a single 40-year-old woman was, for the first time in a long time, I felt seen.

Maybe it’s the magic of the city. Maybe it’s just getting out of my comfort zone. But after experiencing the rapid drop-off in male attention that seems to happen post-40 in Sydney, it was eye-opening to realise that in New York, age is just a number. 

And not in a creepy, midlife-crisis-dating-a-21-year-old way (although I may have hooked up with a 29-year-old). 

The women here – single, thriving and unbothered – aren’t sitting around waiting for validation. They’re just living. And that energy is contagious.

They’re working hard during the week and brunching harder over the weekend. Oh, and they flirt with reckless abandon. Seriously, New York is a gloriously horny city.

And despite not being on a single dating app, I’ve never been approached more by men. My first night out with the girls resulted in three Instagram follows and a date for the next night locked in – simply because men approach you at bars. 

It was refreshing. It was exhilarating. And, in one particularly steamy encounter inside an NYC fire station (story for another day), it was very hands-on.

But it made me realise something: you don’t need to move to a new city to start living like you’re 25 again. You just need to shake things up, ditch the mindset that ageing means fading into the background, and reclaim that ‘main character energy’ Gen Z is always talking about.

So if you’re feeling stuck, bored, or – dare I say it – invisible as I was, here’s my ‘five flirty rules for life’ to get out of your rut and start living (and dating) like you’re in your prime. Because, spoiler alert, you are.

Treat new friends like dates 

If you want to shake up your social life, start by saying yes more often (especially to brunch!) I have found that spontaneity is where the best stories begin. 

In New York, I reached out to friends I kind of knew, but not that well. I even reached out to friends-of-friends, anyone who was keen for a night out, and every time it resulted in a ridiculously fun adventure, and a new friend group.

There were nights I never knew where you’re going to end up.

So start treating potential new friendships like dates. Say you meet someone at a work event, or social occasion: why not ask them to hang out again? We’ve got to be brave with our friendships sometimes.

And if your friends are stuck in a routine, take the lead and be the planner. Sometimes, all it takes is one person to spark new adventures.

Small changes to get your mojo back 

Sometimes all it takes to reignite your confidence is a small change. Get a fresh haircut or switch up your style, and you might be surprised at the energy shift it brings. 

Start a Pinterest board of looks and styles you like and then adapt accordingly.

Reframe the way you talk to yourself; instead of wondering, ‘Am I too old for this?’ ask, ‘Would this make me happy?’ Because, trust me, you don’t see J.Lo, Kylie Minogue or Kim Kardashian questioning their outfits.

And most importantly, ditch the self-imposed rules. Who says you can’t be the one making the first move? 

I’ve had a high success rate from sliding into the right guys’ DMs or sidling up to them at a bar. What have you got to lose?

Flirting isn’t complicated. Don’t overthink it – just do it! 

Yes, flirting is an art form (just witness any charmer at work and you’ll understand) but the fact remains: it doesn’t have to be complicated, and it doesn’t require a lifetime of skill.

In my experience, the simplest tricks still work. Eye contact and a cheeky smile can go a long way to forming a connection with someone new.

Think back to when you were younger and used to meet people – it wasn’t rocket science, was it? You just put your nerves aside started talking.

Don’t overthink it; just have fun and lean into playful banter, channelling the carefree energy of your 25-year-old self (who is still there, believe me).

And if you’re really interested, take the lead because confidence is sexy at any age. I went up to one guy at a bar, purely because he had a sexy beard – and I told him so.

His face lit up like a Christmas tree because men almost never get compliments. 

Date smarter, not harder

Put your big girl panties on and be upfront about what you want – there’s no need to waste time on situationships or lukewarm energy.

Lord, haven’t we been through enough of those?

And don’t be afraid to go out solo; whether it’s a bar, café or bookstore, confidence is magnetic and makes you instantly more approachable. Yes, it will feel super uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the better it gets. 

Plus, it makes you more approachable to men, without a big group of gaggling girls surrounding you.

Try something new each week 

Nothing makes you feel older and more ‘past it’ than being stuck in a routine.

So embrace new experiences. Travel is an easy one – even if it’s just a weekend getaway. Remember: fresh surroundings bring fresh energy and fresh men.

Challenge yourself to try something new each week, whether it’s a different restaurant, a new hobby or a spontaneous adventure. 

And most importantly, be unpredictable – say yes to unexpected plans, because the best nights usually start with a little spontaneity.

After all, it’s what you used to do when you were in your twenties without even having to think about it! 

My best nights were never planned, and often began with me feeling like staying home and watching The White Lotus (thank God I ended up saying ‘yes!’ instead).

So, no, you don’t need a passport stamp to get your groove back. You just need to stop waiting for life to take you by the hand.

Seriously, why do we all think that life will happen to us while we’re bed-rotting at home? When you get off your butt and throw yourself into new situations, life amplifies.

It reminds you of who you are. So stop waiting for someone else to choose your adventure. Go out there and forge your own damn path. 

Trust me, it’s worth it – even if it is a little scary at first.