My wife asked me an ‘innocent’ question about our sex life. Now I fear I’m a cuckold without realising it – and all my friends are telling me to leave

Dear Jana,

My wife and I have been married for eight years, and while we’re happy, things in the bedroom have become a bit routine. 

Recently, during a night out with friends, the topic of ‘hall passes’ came up. You know, the idea of each partner getting one guilt-free fling.

I laughed it off at the time, but later, my wife brought it up again.

She said it could be a way to bring some excitement back and mentioned a little too casually that she already had someone in mind, her personal trainer. 

She insists it’s just a harmless crush and says I could pick someone to sleep with too, but I’m torn. 

I love her and don’t want to mess up what we have, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about her taking this idea so seriously. Is this really just about spicing things up, or am I walking into trouble? How do I handle this without it blowing up in my face?

I mentioned it to my friends and they said she was only suggesting this because she has already cheated. I don’t want to believe it. 

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

Spoiler alert: your partner has already slept with her trainer.

Okay, sorry, that probably came off as a little blunt, but bro… that is no harmless suggestion. 

When someone suggests a hall pass and already has their ‘candidate’ lined up, that’s not just a fun little fantasy, it’s a big ol’ red flag flapping in the wind. 

And in the spirit of looking at things in a more optimistic light, she may not have crossed any lines (yet), but her eyes are clearly wandering, and that’s not something you should brush off.

Now, I get it. Long-term relationships can hit ruts, and it’s normal to crave a bit of excitement. But a hall pass? That’s a whole different level. That’s opening up your marriage. And the fact she’s sitting there naming names? It’s not exactly subtle.

So, what do you do? 

First, let’s park the whole ‘hall pass’ thing for a moment and get to the real issue here. What’s missing in your relationship that made her bring this up? Is she feeling bored? Or is this about her getting all horny at the gym?

You need to have a proper chat with her – no laughing it off, no avoiding the awkwardness – time to put your big-boy pants on. 

Ask her straight: What does she really want? Is this about spicing things up with you, or is she already halfway out the door emotionally?

And while you’re at it, think about what you want, too. Do you want to swing from the rafters a bit more? Does she still turn you on? Or are you just rolling along, hoping things sort themselves out? These questions matter.

So for the love of God, don’t say yes to something you’re not comfortable with just to keep the peace.

A hall pass might sound like a modern solution, but it’s rarely the answer. 

In fact, I asked a divorce lawyer recently if he thinks open marriages could be the key to a long marriage, and he said: ‘Put it this way, I see a lot of people in my office asking for a divorce after they opened their marriage.’ 

So probably not the best idea. Instead, focus on rebuilding the spark together. Because, honestly, if her PT is that distracting, it’s time to pivot her attention back where it belongs – on you.

Oh, and maybe it’s time she got a new trainer.

Dear Jana,

I’ve been dating this guy I met on an app for about four months, and things were going great – or so I thought.

He’s sweet, attentive and so good in bed, everything I was looking for. But last week, after asking him a few times if we could do something on a weekend instead of just weeknights, I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. 

He always said he was ‘too busy for social media’, but curiosity got the better of me, and I did some digging online, and going through his work’s Instagram page I found a photo of him standing very close to a woman at their Christmas party. 

I clicked on her profile and it turned out to be his wife! Complete with pictures of the two of them looking very much in love. 

When I confronted him, he admitted it but claimed they’re ‘basically separated’ and only staying together for the kids.

I feel completely betrayed, but also can’t deny that I still have feelings for him. He says he wants to keep seeing me and promises their marriage is ending soon. 

Am I being played, or is there a chance this could work out?

The unintentional other woman.

Oh, girl.

You got duped! 

And I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again! There needs to be better regulations for the dating apps! 

Why isn’t there a rule that states everyone must be verified and put their full name on their profile?

Imagine if we could google the men we meet on these apps, it would be a time-saving game changer! (and in many cases, life saver).

Anyway, I could rant about that all day. So let’s get straight to the point – he’s a liar, liar, pants on fire!

You didn’t sign up for this ride, so it’s no wonder you’re feeling betrayed, but it’s time to get real. 

You need to buck up and call absolute BS on this ‘basically separated’ nonsense. When it comes to being separated, you either are, or you aren’t. 

So let’s call it what it really is: a flimsy way to keep you around without having to make any hard decisions.

If he’s so separated, why is he taking her to work Christmas parties? Why is he still turning up in her Instagram highlights looking like the poster boy for ‘happy families’? 

I hate to say it, but if he’s still living under the same roof, sharing family dinners, and wearing the husband badge at work events, he is not as separated as he claims. 

But I’m going to hazard a guess that you already knew that deep down, didn’t you?

And the ol’ ‘staying for the kids’ line? Classic. It’s code for ‘I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, but I’ll tell you what you want to hear to keep this going’.

Men like this love to have their cake and eat it too: they’ll promise the world but deliver nothing. We’ve seen it time and time again.

I get it, you’ve got feelings for him, and it’s not easy to just switch them off. But think about what staying in this situation would mean for you. Do you really want to be the woman waiting in the shadows, hoping he eventually chooses you? They rarely do.

And even if he did leave, would you ever fully trust someone who lied about something so important? I can tell you straight up, no you wouldn’t.

Here’s the hard truth: You deserve someone who’s all in, not someone who’s stringing you along while keeping one foot firmly planted in his current life. A man who truly wants to be with you will show it through actions, not excuses.

My advice? Cut your losses now and run for the hills. 

It’ll hurt in the short term, but it’ll save you so much heartache down the track. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not a side chick. 

There are plenty of great guys out there who’ll treat you with the respect and honesty you deserve – I promise you!

Choof this one off and keep your heart open for an available man. Future you will thank you for it.

Dear Jana,

My boyfriend recently admitted he has a fantasy about me taking on a dominant role in the bedroom. It’s a whole dom/sub thing. 

He said it’s something he’s always wanted to try, and I appreciate that he felt comfortable sharing it with me.

The problem is, it doesn’t turn me on. At all. 

I’ve never been the ‘take charge’ type, and just thinking about trying to act dominant makes me feel awkward and self-conscious. 

I love him and want to keep things exciting, but I’m worried that forcing myself into this role will feel inauthentic and ruin the experience for both of us.

How do I handle this? Is there a way to explore his fantasy without compromising my own comfort, or should I just be honest and let him know it’s not for me?

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

Okay, I’ll admit, I cringed a little at first, but then I checked myself. 

Because we need to give your boyfriend some props for being brave enough to share his fantasy. We don’t kink-shame around here! 

One person’s ‘ick’ is another person’s ‘yes, please’, so hats off to him for being open and vulnerable. That’s a green flag for your relationship, even if you’re not exactly on the same page. Bravo, you two!

But should you dive into something that doesn’t turn you on? The short answer is no. Absolutely not. 

Let’s not forget an important fact: Bedroom fun should always work for both people involved. If you’re not comfortable with the idea of dominating, don’t force it – it’s not going to feel sexy or natural for either of you. 

Why not suggest he explores his dom/sub interests on his own – perhaps with a little solo time and some creative use of the internet (I’m talking about porn, in case that wasn’t obvious). 

That way, he gets to indulge the fantasy without you feeling like you’ve stepped into a role that doesn’t fit.

Actually, I just had a brainwave! Why not make it work in your favour… perhaps you could boss him around in the kitchen. 

‘Yes, you will wash the dishes,’ or, ‘I command you mop the floor!’ 

Suddenly you’ve got yourself a win/win situation – clean house, happy partner, potential for a cheeky spark. I’m mean, it’s worth considering!

But if even that gives you a slight ick, perhaps just sit him down and explain that being dominant isn’t something that comes naturally to you, but maybe there are some other fantasies the two of you could explore.

I reckon it’s a safe bet that there are other fantasies he’s got stored up in that brain of his. I, however, would explore the kitchen idea.