Late night show hosts lose their minds over Trump’s triumph as Fallon says ‘America has got back with its crazy ex’

Jimmy Fallon jabbed that America ‘got back together with its crazy ex’ while Stephen Colbert hysterically admitted he’s ‘not doing great’ as late night show hosts miserably went through their paces after Donald Trump had the last laugh at the polls. 

While not every late night show had a specifically political bent, all of the left-leaning talkers addressed Trump’s victory in a depressed manner. 

Colbert and Meyers issued pep talks for his solidly Democrat, Trump-Hating audience while Jimmy Kimmel spoke to liberal podcast Pod Save America and Jimmy Fallon discussed the results and sang a hopeful song with The View’s Whoopi Goldberg.

Seth Meyers gave his typical, 16-minute comic roundup of the show and The Daily Show went all-politics as usual. 

The shows also played recorded bits, with Fallon satirizing fast-talking anchors from cable news and Kimmel mocking Americans who were Googling basic facts of the election the day of the vote.  

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert  

Colbert posted a somber, direct-to-camera monologue and appeared beaten down by the results. 

‘If you watch this show regularly, I’m guessing you’re not doing great. Me neither,’ he said. 

He then thanked everyone on his crew and tried to make the point that people who hated Trump were ‘not alone.’

‘I’ll let you in on a little secret: no one gets into this business because everything in their life worked out great. So we’re built for rough roads.’

He then tossed to his typical ‘cold open’ with clips of people around the world reacting to the election.

He used old clips of a hockey player angrily slamming his stick to represent Canada, video game hero Super Mario dejectedly saying ‘mamma mia’ for Italy and The Swedish Chef of The Muppets with smoke coming out of his ears. 

Colbert then delivered his typical, crowd-pleasing liberal monologue in which he said ‘it’s hard to see a bright side here.’

He opened with profanity, saying: ‘Well, f***. It happened again. After a bizarre and vicious campaign fueled by a desperate need to not go to jail, Donald Trump has won the 2024 election.’

The comedian added that he was wearing his ‘fundamentally questioning my belief in humanity’ sticker.

He also hit back at people who thought that Trump would give him loads of material, comparing it to a janitor complaining about an explosion of diarrhea.

‘In this democracy the majority have spoken and said that they don’t care about democracy,’ he cracked.

Colbert then let the audience applaud Kamala Harris and Tim Walz for running their campaign.

He then called Trump ‘a monstrous child surrounded by cowards and grifters.’ 

‘The first time Donald Trump started as a joke and ended as a tragedy. This time he started as a tragedy. Who knows where he’ll end up… a limerick?’ 

He also bemoaned how Trump did better with every possible demographic and noted that Google searches spiked for ‘did Joe Biden drop out of the race’ on Election Day to hushed tones.

Colbert said Biden was ‘a good man’ who he’s going to miss. 

He then riffed on how upset liberals were, noting that Trump will be the first president to serve two non-consecutive terms.’

‘Cleveland was the leader of something called the Bourbon Democrats and this morning I’m guessing there were a lot of Bourbon Democrats,’ he joked, holding a glass of alcohol in his hand. 

He finished by saying earnestly that we should tell Jimmy Carter that Kamala Harris won. 

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Perhaps no talk show host has upended their personal relationship to Trump than Kimmel, who was once friendly with the former president.

Kimmel, in a monologue headlined ‘A Terrible Night,’ began with a cold open of his own.

The talk show host was seen packing his stuff and said to sidekick Guillermo that he was ‘leaving the country.’

‘I can’t stay for another four years of this, who knows what he’s gonna do?’

He then said that he believed he was on Trump’s list of enemies before Guillermo smacked him in the face and encouraged him to stay because he has ‘a very important voice.’

Guillermo then cracked that he was ‘going back to Mexico’ and said: ‘You’re on your own, buddy!’

Kimmel then lead off his monologue saying: ‘I spent a lot of time over the last 17 hours thinking about what I would say tonight, what there even is to say and… there’s nothing, good night everybody!’

He then deemed it ‘the worst taco Tuesday of my entire life’ before joking that Democrats had ‘decided not to rig’ this election.

‘He’s like the emperor from Star Wars: He’s old, he’s evil and he keeps coming back with no reasonable explanation whatsoever.’  

Kimmel then addressed ‘those of you that are hate-watching tonight’ and confirmed there ‘was no joy’ for him last night. 

He riffed on the insurrection, saying that Kamala Harris conceded before ‘explaining to Trump what conceded means.’

Kimmel reaffirmed that ‘America is the greatest country in the world’ by calling Trump ‘a garbage man and McDonald’s fry cook can become the two-time president of the United States’ while saying Tim Walz was ‘playing a solemn game of cornhole.’ 

He then made a stance, saying: ‘It was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him and a terrible night for everyone who voted for him, you just don’t realize it yet.’

The ABC host slammed Elon Musk and ‘tech bros’ before admitting that ‘the people voted and this is the choice we made.’ 

He then interviewed the liberal Pod Save America co-hosts – Dan Pfeffier, Jon Lovett, Jon Favreau and Tommy Vietor – about the results. 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Fallon is typically seen as the least political of the late night host but he took a few cracks at the results last night.

‘America got back together with its crazy ex and elect Donald Trump as the 47th president of the United States. No matter who you voted for, I think we can all agree it’s going to be a rough Thanksgiving.’

He then riffed on how Trump would have to move his classified documents back into Washington and how he could be the first president ‘under White House arrest.’

Fallon also joked about Trump’s weight and age said that the electoral result of 224 vs. 292 is ‘Trump’s made-up weight versus his actual weight’ and added that Biden ‘will hand over his life alert necklace.’

The comic had ultra-liberal, Trump-hating actor Whoopi Goldberg on to talk about what happened. 

‘I think we all get it. It happened, some of us it went our way, some of us it didn’t, this is the nature of elections.’

She encouraged those who don’t like what happened to ‘get out there and protest’ to applause. 

Eventually, The View star dueted with Fallon on ‘Tomorrow’ from her upcoming performance in the musical ‘Annie.’ 

Late Night with Seth Meyers 

Meyers introduced the show by saying that something in his ‘brain broke a lot last night.’

He then made a similar plea as Colbert, saying: ‘What a privilege to be here with you, to be here with my colleagues, to not feel alone.

Meyers then admitted that half the country either thinks Trump is a good person or thinks he’s a good president.

He then did a 16-minute long version of his daily politics riff, ‘A Closer Look’ and devoted it entirely to the election. 

The NBC host said that Trump appeared to either think it was crazy that he won and unenthused and exhausted with what had happened.

‘He’s about to become the president, he sounds like he’s looking through someone else’s vacation photos.’

Meyers then riffed on Elon Musk and RFK Jr. becoming members of Trump’s cabinet.

‘Musk will arguably be Trump’s closest governing ally in a second presidential term. They want you to think they’re just edgelord podcasters but they’re oligarchs.’

‘They’re not your bros, they’re not gonna come over to your house and smoke weed and play Diablo with you.’

He also criticized Republicans who had slammed Trump after January 6 for rejoining him.

‘We think Democrats are being hyperbolic about Trump’s second term, the man who he picked to be his vice president said he could be America’s Hitler,’ he said, referencing J.D. Vance. 

He also criticized voters in swing states and red states for approving abortion referendums while still voting for the man ‘who took those rights away.’

Meyers then offered a hopeful note for his left-wing audience, noting that politics always changes.  

‘The fight for justice doesn’t end with one election, we must gird ourselves for what comes next and do everything in our power to make real the world we want to live in.’ 

After Midnight

Perhaps the least-heralded of the late night entries, CBS’ improv game show host Taylor Tomlinson quipped: ‘It is an honor to be on television while women are still allowed to be.’

She then sarcastically riffed on wishing for a better time in the past. 

‘Remember 2011, back when Joe Rogan wasn’t helping people decide elections,” she said. He was just helping people decide if they were gonna eat bugs for money. Remember that?’

Like the others, Tomlinson riffed on Trump’s convictions at the hands of Manhattan’s progressive District Attorney Alvin Bragg.

‘Why does he have to be president? Usually, when you’re reintegrating an ex-con back into society, you just have to let them work at Baskin Robbins.’

The Daily Show

After having classic host Jon Stewart around to react to returns last night, correspondent Desi Lydic took over the Comedy Central standard, which remains without a permanent emcee minus Stewart’s once-a-week appearances. 

Lydic led off saying ‘I slept two hours last night and I feel like s*** but here we are!’

She apoplectically declared the results ‘a waking nightmare’ before raging: ‘It’s official, America has elected its first criminal president before electing its first female president.’ 

Lydic also called Trump ‘the worst person in the country’ before having a similar joke to Fallon about ‘America getting back together with her dirtbag ex.’

The host then riffed on how media pundits played both sides of every issue when playing the blame game for Harris’ loss. 

‘This defeat was so resounding that you could say anything and it would be plausible,’ she said.

Lydic then decided to blame the voters, saying that the American people seem to love Trump. 

‘Whatever’s wrong with him, we f***ing love it. Donald Trump is holding up a mirror to the American people and it might be time to take a good, hard f***ing look.’ 

Kamala Harris officially conceded the election to Donald Trump in a speech to her devastated fans in Washington D.C. – after President Joe Biden called his new successor to congratulate him.

Harris thanked her supporters and said her ‘heart is full of trust and love of our country’ and said she’s ‘so proud’ of the race she ran. 

‘The outcome of this election is not want we wanted, not what we fought for, not what we voted for,’ she said, adding that America’s light won’t go out as long as ‘we never give up and we keep fighting.’ 

Trump’s political comeback was hailed as the ‘greatest in history’ after the former president successfully destroyed the ‘blue wall’ of traditionally Democratic stronghold midwestern states, securing wins in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.