Most Likely to Crash Prom Night: Matt Gaetz
I didn’t need a House ethics report to tell me that the guy is pure Florida swamp slime. That said, no way I’d miss the opportunity to note that the committee found “substantial evidence” that the ex-congressman “regularly paid women for engaging in sexual activity with him”, got busy with “a 17-year-old girl” in 2017 and possessed cocaine and other illegal substances on several occasions. (He has denied any wrongdoing.)
Most Likely to Have a Crummy New Year: Mike Johnson
Such a skinny House majority. Such a fractious Republican conference. Such a heavy-handed president with such a meddling sidekick. Before even taking power, the Trump-Musk administration turned the House speaker’s bipartisan approach to government funding into a circus, with dozens of Republicans defying the MAGA king’s call to suspend the debt ceiling. Assuming Johnson keeps the gavel, the coming months promise to be even more … invigorating for him.
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Wickedest Meme: J.D. Vance’s grandmother’s couch
If you know, you know. If you don’t, you can Google, because I cannot bring myself to explain.
Grossest-Yet-Catchiest Smear: “They’re eating the pets”
Like so much that comes out of Trump’s mouth, this lie about Haitian immigrants in Springfield, Ohio, was appalling. But it also resonated with some voters and kept the topic of migration front and centre.
Most Tone-Deaf Campaign Mantra: “The politics of joy”
C’mon, folks, read the room.
Creepiest Election Metaphor: Tucker Carlson
His ranting about how a second Trump term would be like “Dad” coming home “pissed” and ready to spank a “bad girl” — no. Just, no.
Smoothest Communicator: Pete Buttigieg
The transportation secretary remained unmatched in his ability to genially explain complex policy concepts and ideological positions to hostile audiences, while dismembering misinformation and partisan attacks. #FoxWhisperer.
Most Unnerving Communicator: Katie Britt
Part Stepford wife, part Marilyn Monroe, part panicked hostage, the Alabama senator’s rebuttal to the 2024 State of the Union address was like a scene from the horror flick Smile.
Most Prophetic: Dean Phillips
The Minnesota congressman’s challenge to Biden for the Democratic nomination was beyond quixotic, but he wasn’t wrong about the urgency of the problem.
Best Positioned to Jump on the MAGA Train: Eric Adams
New York’s mayor has so many legal problems and has wrapped himself in such a thick, self-righteous cloak of political victimhood, it sure seems like he is gunning for a job with Team Trump. Game recognises game.
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Breakout Stars: Childless Cat Ladies
They launched a million memes and recruited Taylor Swift to the cause, even if they wound up being more hiss than claws.
Cringiest Wardrobe Malfunction: Hulk Hogan
Amid all the hoopla at the Republican National Convention, the wrestling legend ripping off his shirt was the mix of spectacle, kitsch, nostalgia and cheeseball machismo that perfectly captured the Trumpian vibes.
Most Likely to Be in Charge of Trump Fraternity Hazing: Pete Hegseth
Beware of men who casually mistreat women.
Most Likely to Be Hazed: Vivek Ramaswamy
DOGE or no DOGE, this guy is just so annoying.
Let’s end it there. Congratulations to all our 2024 winners. To the rest, best get an early start on distinguishing yourself in the coming year. It promises to be a humdinger.
Michelle Cottle is a New York Times columnist.
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
