For 14 years of my life, I had an extremely toxic relationship with alcohol.
A lot of people assume alcohol abuse is exclusively linked to a traumatic event that propels you into the behaviour. And although later in my life there are a few “grey areas”, my addiction started as a desperate need to fit in, most likely to mask this deep sense of unworthiness I’ve carried with me throughout my life.
Whether that was due to being a Māori kid growing up in a suburb that would rival the set of Puberty Blues, or being 5’10 and overweight in those crucial coming-of-age years, the feeling of “other” has always been prevalent throughout my life. So, at the age of 14 and armed with Passionfruit UDLs, I quickly linked alcohol as my passport to belonging.
@juliarangiheuea @Soberly Speaking Podcast LAUNCHING OCTOBER 1ST #podcasts #soberpodcast #soberlyspeaking #soberpodcastqueen #recoverypodcast #addiction #fyp ♬ original sound – Recovering Party Girl
I vividly remember the day I took my first ecstasy pill. I was in Year 10, and a couple of girls from the year above came to the school library where I was sitting one lunchtime and said they had some pills for the weekend if I wanted in.
As they stood over my desk, I knew looking up at those four beady eyes that the only correct answer was, “Sure, how much?” I gave them my $30 for a little blue powdered pill with a Batman logo on it, and that was that. A Party Girl was born.
Moving to Sydney when I was twenty-years-old only ramped up my drinking and drug consumption. I moved here not knowing a soul, so with any invitation to socialise (which 100 per cent of the time was centred around drinking), I jumped at the opportunity. Binge drinking every weekend soon turned into two or three big nights a week, which quickly evolved into drinking almost every night.
Living in Kings Cross, I’d spend my minimum wage on goon and MDMA. Essentials came secondary to party favours, so I’d buy these home-brand biscuits from Coles, Scotch Fingers, the ones that snapped in half. I had calculated that if I ate one of them every hour, I wouldn’t faint. Until I could afford bedding, I used towels as blankets and sheets on my mattress on the floor. “Every twenty-something lives like this,” I’d tell myself.
Everyone loved drunk Jules! I was this exciting, unpredictable, and gregarious being who only ever lived in the present moment. My bank account took the brunt of said spontaneity, hemorrhaging around $200 on grog each week. Some nights, when I want to torment myself, I remember that I’ve spent approximately $150,000 on alcohol alone. It feels like my own kind of sleep paralysis.
I continued to move through my twenties as a high-functioning alcoholic, and a night out didn’t feel complete without a few lines. “I only drank last night” started to feel like a badge of honour. I knew people weren’t drinking or partying as much as me, but I just assumed they were boring and not fun like I was!
@juliarangiheuea Healing can feel like your flop era #healingjourney #healingtiktok #healingprocess #sober #roadtorecovery #drinking #foryou #CapCut ♬ MILLION DOLLAR BABY (VHS) – Tommy Richman
It’s amazing how fast the dominos in your life fall when you start drinking regularly. It starts small and unassuming — telling yourself little white lies and making promises you know you won’t keep: “I’m only having one drink”, “I won’t stay out long, I’ve got gym in the morning”, or “I won’t embarrass myself at the end of year Christmas Party.”
When you consistently let yourself down, you start to lose trust in yourself, and your self-worth takes a nosedive. I was dating people who wouldn’t talk to me for days, inviting over any random who wanted to bender, and cutting off those who held up a mirror to my drinking habits. They were breaking free from the cycle and moving on with their lives, and I couldn’t stand to see it.
After yet another New Year’s bender that finally wrapped up on January 2nd, I swore to myself that 2023 would be different. Yet here I was, starting the year just as I always did—hungover and pushing my ‘New Year, New Me’ resolution another week down the line. As I got ready for a family lunch, looking at myself in the mirror I was struck by an overwhelming sense of numbness towards my life.
In a twisted way, I wish I’d experienced that rock bottom moment you read about with addicts: a big, dramatic sit-down intervention with my nearest and dearest, or accidentally burning the kitchen down while passed out on the couch.
Instead, I was simply sleepwalking through life; being drunk and/or hungover became my natural state. I had no real talents or career — just jobs to cover rent. I was living in a mould-infested share house and my relationship was on ice after yet another drunken screaming match down Oxford Street. It wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t good, either.
I stepped out of the bathroom and announced, “I think I want to give up alcohol for a year.” My partner, still grappling with severe hangxiety from the previous day, welcomed this surprise declaration.
@juliarangiheuea Giving up alcohol for 2023 #alcoholfreejourney #sobertok #fyp #foru #damplifestyle #nodrinking ♬ original sound – Recovering Party Girl
The mystery of sobriety and what my life could potentially look like without substances terrified me. I didn’t know how to navigate reality without masking my emotions or having a drink over the slightest inconvenience. What if I hated my real personality? What if all the social invites stop? What if I don’t fit in anywhere without alcohol?
The physical withdrawals took me by surprise. Insomnia came first, I couldn’t sleep regardless of how exhausted I felt, and when I finally did, I’d wake up on a damp sheet from night sweats. I was insanely irritable and felt so much hatred toward the world (a sign of your liver detoxing apparently — go figure). The head fog and this blanket of being completely out of it made my job feel almost impossible, whilst a sharp pain throbbed in my temple for weeks.
@juliarangiheuea Replying to @k_mccas IT ALL MAKES SENSE #sobercurious #soberlife #sobriety #wellnessjourney #healingjourney #fyp #shutupitisnot ♬ original sound – Taylor Dean
However, the benefits were undeniable. Job opportunities I had always dreamed of began to come my way seemingly out of the blue. We went to a house inspection during the peak of the rental crisis, and to our surprise, were the only ones there— something the realtor even found odd. Within a few months of getting sober, I found myself in a new job, a new apartment, and my bank account gradually starting to recover. It felt as if life had finally clicked into alignment.
For a lot of people in their twenties, the line between “I’m just having fun” and “I can’t imagine my life without alcohol or coke” can blur. Sure, it was exciting those first few years, but my inability to socialise with friends or speak to strangers without a substance should’ve been my wake-up call.
@juliarangiheuea Oficially one year sober!!! #recoveringpartygirl #sobertiktok #sobertoker #soberliving #sobercurious #soberaf #soberaussies #sobernotboring #fyp #CapCut ♬ original sound – Recovering Party Girl
I won’t lie, the invites slowly trickle to a halt but you no longer want to socialise at nightclubs, kick-ons, or bottomless brunches anyway. I’d always assumed my personality was naturally aloof, impulsive, and whimsical but it turns out I’m incredibly stable, serious, and trustworthy. Qualities I would have previously deemed as “boring” now felt like genuine compliments.
I’m very conscious that I’m about to sound like a youth pastor here, but I never realised just how good life gets once you start living hangover-free. I no longer wake up hating myself, cringing at how I behaved, or mentally scanning the night over to see if an apology is owed.
These past twenty-one months of sobriety have given me time (and money) to heal an important relationship I abandoned years ago: the one with myself.
Turns out I am worthy, and I belong right here.
Julia Rangiheuea is Recovering Party Girl on TikTok and host of ‘Soberly Speaking’
Lead Image: Julia Rangiheuea
- If you need mental health support, or support involving substance misuse and addiction, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or chat online.
- You can also reach the Alcohol Drug Information Service at 1800 250 015 or chat online.
- You can find helplines and resources at DrinkWise.
- Under 25? You can reach Kids Helpline at 1800 55 1800 or chat online.
- If you require immediate assistance, please call 000.
