I have forked out £5,000 to attend my friend’s destination wedding but now she wants a hen do abroad as well

A woman who has already forked out £5,000 to attend her friend’s destination wedding has revealed her dilemma after the bride-to-be revealed she also wants to host her hen do overseas.

Taking to British parenting platform Mumsnet, the woman explained the bride-to-be, who is her best friend, ‘expects’ her to go on the hen trip which will cost an extra £1,000.

She claimed she can afford the trip, but will have to take money out of her savings to pay for it.

The woman asked for advice on how to let her friend down ‘politely’; to which many others responded with their own thoughts. 

Many suggested that her friend sounded like a ‘bridezilla’ and that the destination hen sounded ‘utterly ridiculous’.

The post read: ‘My best friend is getting married abroad this year, it’s costing £5.5k for me, DH and 2 x kids to attend for a week in July – this is already way more than I’d usually spend on our summer holiday and doesn’t include spending money.

‘We were talking about her hen do plans at the weekend, she wants to go abroad for it, which will cost ~£1k, again this doesn’t include spending money.

‘I think it’s shocking to expect people to spend this kind of money, if she wasn’t my life-long best friend I wouldn’t be going to the wedding due to the costs involved.

‘I can tell from our conversation at the weekend that she expects me to go to her abroad hen, technically I can afford to go if I use some of my ISA savings, but I just can’t justify spending almost £10k+ in total on her wedding and hen.

‘By the time I factor in the holiday costs of £6.6k + spending money + holiday clothes + wedding outfits + airport parking etc.

‘How do I politely let her know that I can’t make the abroad hen do? She knows that I have some savings (not a substantial amount).

She added: ‘Also, while we’re here – is it the norm to give a wedding gift when attending a destination wedding?’

Many suggested that she should be upfront and honest with her friend and explain that she can’t afford it, while others said she sounded like a ‘bridezilla’.

One person said: ‘The savings are not her concern. The clue in the name – savings’ – not spend on bridezilla hen party.

‘This is one of those situations when you’ll just have to be upfront. Just say that unfortunately you’ll be unable to go.

‘If she presses more, say your holiday budget is ok spent on the wedding, can’t get time off work etc. if she mentions the savings, explain they’re tied up. Maybe say you’d like to treat her to afternoon tea instead.’

Another said: ‘This is just utterly ridiculous. If she’s having a destination wedding, she’s lucky that you’re willing to spend such an amount attending.

‘It’s mind-blowingly selfish and utterly entitled to then expect people to attend an abroad hen do. I would be resolutely saying no to the hen do full stop.’

Someone else wrote: ‘They are presumably savings for you and dh and the kids, so it would be quite selfish to spend it on a jolly… perhaps she doesn’t fully appreciate how expensive life is with two kids!’

A fourth said: ‘Raiding your savings does not = being able to afford it.

‘Be honest and straightforward. Tell her it sounds amazing but the costs of attending the wedding have taken you over budget for the year and you can’t afford another trip abroad.

‘If she has the brass neck to say you have savings tell her it’s your emergency backstop and tied up for 3 years.’

Others suggested that the woman should travel alone to the destination wedding for a few days to bring down costs.

One person wrote: ‘Definitely don’t spend your savings on this. And tbh I wouldn’t be spending it on the wedding either.

‘If she is a very good friend then I’d travel alone to attend the wedding, which would involve a 2 or 3 night stay tops. And save the money from your dh and dc clothes and travel and accommodation and go on a family holiday that they will all enjoy.

‘But I’m a miserable git, I could never bring myself to waste money like that on someone else’s wedding, it’s SO much money.’

Another said: ‘I wouldn’t be spending £5.5k to go the wedding in the first place, let alone spending extra on the hen do. That’s absolutely ridiculous imo.’

Another said: ‘I had to go to my best friend’s wedding alone as we couldn’t all afford to go to Tuscany, can’t you go alone and save money? I didn’t do her UK hen as it was three days in a seaside resort – these things are getting out of hand.’

However, the woman explained that she has initially thought about travelling alone but she said she would ‘feel bad’ leaving her children at home.

She wrote: ‘I will tell her that I can’t afford the abroad hen and won’t be going. I did consider booking to go to the wedding without DH and DC, but friends DC will be at the wedding and they’re the same age as my DC so would’ve felt bad leaving my kids at home.’

Others suggested that the bride could have her hen party while they are already abroad for the wedding.

One person said: ‘Why can’t she just have the hen party at the destination, a night or so before the wedding?’

Another said: ‘Suggest you have the hen do the week of the wedding while you’re away. Give the reason you have given here and say other people might be feeling it’s also a bit of a stretch too. Use humour. Keep it light in your approach and I hope you enjoy the wedding.’

The original poster replied: ‘I suggested her having a hen night when we’re already abroad for the wedding, she seems set on having a separate hen weekend away though – in Mykonos, so those who said that it sounds very ‘Instagram wedding / hen do’ are spot on.’