It’s easy to overlook the earth-shattering impact of cheating. The vengeful fantasy of glowing up, selling the clothes they left at your house on Depop, listening to Megan Thee Stallion, and bumping into their best friend at a club who makes lingering eye contact before whispering, “I cannot believe they did that to you,” is much sexier than the reality: emotional wreckage, lost trust, shattered self-worth, and a long road to healing.
This is an almost universal response to deep betrayal, but why advertise it? Despite a growing appetite for candid, unfiltered representations on social media, nobody’s going to post themselves feverishly zooming in on Instagram pictures from a burner account at 4am, or a room filled with mouldy, half-drank cups of tea and stale, salty pillowcases.
Why? Social media is the theatre for fantasy, not reality. Last year, we saw Gigi Paris take to Instagram with a low-waisted black skirt, heeled boots and wide smile in a post captioned “know your worth & onto the next”, following her then-boyfriend Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney’s visibly flirtatious press tour for Anyone But You. The internet’s most candid TikToker, Madeline Argy, eventually spoke at length about the pain that Central Cee’s public betrayal of her with Ice Spice caused, admitting “for the first five days after I found out what was happening… I literally almost died.” But it was only after days of bed-rotting, not eating, and “going crazy” off camera, that she felt calm enough to post the viral video series about the betrayal.
Last week, Hunter Schafer described how Domanic Fike cheating on her “fundamentally changed [her] as a person.” In a Call Her Daddy podcast episode, Schafer delved into the false narrative she was telling herself at the time: touching on whether this infidelity was about her being a trans woman, or an inadequacy within herself. Ultimately, Schafer was able to see that “cheating has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with that person, and whatever kind of pain they’re in.” Escaping the spiral of obsession and self-blame from a punctured sense of self takes time and work, but it’s possible. Here’s how:
You might have the urge to numb the pain with partying, and blaring Eemiaj’s ‘FNF Remix’ to fast track to the unbothered-and-glowing part of the process. That time will come, but first, you have to face the pain. “Both grief and betrayal activate the same areas of the brain,” says hypnotherapist and trauma-informed life coach Patience M. Chigodora. “That’s why you might feel physical symptoms like a heavy chest, a sinking feeling in your stomach, or even numbness. Your body reacts to emotional shock as if it’s facing a real threat, which in many ways, it is.”
Just like grief, processing betrayal requires mourning what you’ve lost – whether it’s the relationship, trust, or the future you imagined with that person. Chigodora emphasises that healing comes only by acknowledging and embracing these feelings of loss: “It’s important to allow yourself to fully experience and ride the waves of emotions that arise. You can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge or allow yourself to feel.”
The discovery of betrayal can leave you feeling out of control and angry. Instead of trying to regain a superficial sense of control by lurking on social media and keeping tabs on those involved, focus on accepting what you cannot control. Everyone has the freedom to make their own decisions and mistakes –no amount of obsessive monitoring will change that, but it will make you spiral. What’s meant for you won’t pass you by (or cheat on you). Delete the burner account and go outside.
Once you accept that you can never control the actions of those around you – and nor should you want to – it becomes easier to see that being betrayed is not a reflection on you. “Your partner’s infidelity is a reflection of their actions and choices – not yours,” says psychologist and sex therapist Dr Mellisa Cook. “It’s easy to blame yourself but this can damage your self-esteem, which is why it’s so important to understand and reject these feelings.”
While you should grieve the pain, you must draw the line at blaming yourself. If you do find yourself getting trapped in a downward mental spiral of negative self-talk, take these thoughts out of your head and onto paper. There’s no beginning and end to a mental spiral, but there is once you write things down. This can help you identify recurring patterns, and see negative self-talk for exactly what it is: spiralling, not reality.
It’s crucial to rebuild a sense of love and trust internally after it’s been shattered externally. Start small: if you say you’ll go to the gym or finish a book, follow through. By keeping these small promises to yourself, you reinforce that you can trust yourself again. Write down affirmations highlighting all the things you love about yourself. Finally, be kind to both yourself and those around you. This helps you begin to trust others again and, through compassion, ensures your heart doesn’t close off.
This one feels unfair, particularly right now. It probably feels like someone else’s actions have left your self-esteem in tatters, why should you be the one to pick up the pieces? Sarupa Shah, a well-being mentor and writer says there’s one big misconception when it comes to self-esteem. “We as humans imagine that someone else’s actions can impact our self-esteem, and the thing is: no one has that power,” Shah tells Dazed. “When you have experienced a betrayal of epic proportions, we have to navigate our way back to that knowing.”
Remember that your mindset and thoughts create your reality. “Impossible as it might feel, starting early to recognise your self-esteem is your business means you feel in control.”
