How to date when… you hate the person’s pet

Introducing How to date when, a new series from Beth McColl which, full of personal anecdotes and practical advice, is here to help readers navigate the jungle that is the modern dating scene.

A few years ago, my best friend and her boyfriend went on a break. It was upsetting for all involved – but perhaps me the most. Yes, they were both heartbroken, adrift in sadness and longing for each other – but I lost access to his Disney+ account which totally fucked up my Desperate Housewives rewatch. Anyway, in the time they were apart, she planned to get a cat, even though he is allergic to cats. Long story short: she got the cat, they got back together, he remained allergic.

The cat and the boyfriend are now besties, but it was touch and go for a while. Imagine returning to the love of your life and finding they now live with a little animal that makes your eyeballs itch. Or even if you’re not prone to allergies, then a little animal who bites you or goes to the toilet in your shoes or has eight legs and a moulting exoskeleton. It could happen. And if it does, what then? What do you do if you like someone a lot but are not jiving at all with their pet?

My first bit of advice if you find yourself in this situation is, as always, communicate. You must not make it the elephant in the room that there is tension between you and… well, the animal in the room. If it’s a personality clash between you and the pet in question, tell the person you’re seeing that you’re still adjusting to one another, and you’d appreciate their help in making inroads. Pet people love explaining their pet’s moods, their habits, their tastes in men, their relationship to music, their inner world. So, talk openly about it, but tread gently. Pet people are not lying when they say their animals are their literal sons and daughters. They believe it, they aren’t joking, and they do not appreciate being corrected. Even if the pet has its literal fangs in your neck, your side is unlikely to be taken. 

If you want to date a Proper Pet Person then you are signing up to be a part of their pet’s life

Now if the origin of your dislike is allergies, then before we go any further, I must apologise. Something I’ve realised as I’ve gotten older is that those of us without proper animal allergies can be quite (read: extremely) dismissive of those with proper animal allergies. I really am sorry! We just get hypnotised by the soft fur and the cute pink tongues and the little legs trotting after us wherever we go. But it’s no joke not to be able to breathe easily or develop a dependency to over-the-counter antihistamines. At the very least the person you’re dating should be sympathetic and willing to at least consider a few alterations to increase your comfort when you’re at their place, such as designated pet-free zones, constant ventilation, or a curfew that keeps anything with a tail out of the bedroom while you’re sleeping. Do your research, broach it gently and hold your ground if they’re sulky. It’ll pass! And if the relationship gets serious and you start living together, you can absolutely ask for a revision of the rules.

However, if you simply don’t like the animal in question – no violence on their part, no inflammatory immune system response on yours – then your options are slightly more limited. Personally, I think you simply need to get a grip. Listen – if you want to date a Proper Pet Person then you are signing up to be a part of their pet’s life. That pet did not ask to be born, but born it was, and its besotted owner will expect you to be excited to hear about a funny sneeze, a cute sleep murmur, a strange response to the TV. What’s more, it will hurt them a lot if you’re openly dismissive or disinterested.

Ultimately, you have to ask yourself how much you actually like this person. Enough to learn to cosplay as a Proper Pet Person, accept the daily onslaught of photos and videos with grace and forge a bond with the little fucker no matter what it takes? Or are you already dooming the relationship to countless moments of mismatched energy and disappointment? Either pick up the scoop and get stuck in or bail. Some pets live a really, really long time.