So you’re lying in bed, your head is pounding, your mouth is dry and you’re desperately searching for hangover cures to make it all go away. You’ve come to the right place… well, kind of.
Despite being rostered on for the New Year’s Day shift, I didn’t let it stop me from having a jolly little New Year’s Eve. Although I am prepared for work today with a blue Gatorade in hand, I don’t feel as tip-top as usual. Thankfully, I’m a seasoned veteran at having a few drinks and showing up the next day. As a result, I have a bunch of hangover cures that I’ve turned to in moments of need that I’d like to share with you today.
Before we get into it, please note that I am not a doctor. I’m just a silly little journalist who is in the same boat as you, so please take these recommendations with a grain of salt. They are purely based on my own experience… plus general vibes.
Without further ado, here are my favourite hangover cures, ranked to levels of my own perceived effectiveness. You’re welcome.
A dirty, filthy meal
There’s nothing more satisfying than a drunken kebab, burrito or Big Mac meal. The next morning though, the success rate of a greasy meal is hit or miss.
On some mornings, it hits the spot, encourages a grog bog and allows you to get on with your days. Other times, you find yourself tasting garlic sauce on the way up. It’s a delicate balance. Although this method can well and truly pay off, the risk is much higher than other methods.
SCORE: 4/10
Hair of the dog
Ooooh boy. Hair of the dog — AKA drinking more alcohol when you’re hungover — is a scientifically backed method that will make you feel better. Well, temporarily, anyway.
By taking another sippy of alcohol, your body will surge with endorphins and slow the effects of the toxic compounds that make you feel like shit. The only downside is when you do eventually stop drinking, the hangover is waiting patiently for you.
In the silly season, my personal technique is to look inward to see how I feel when someone inevitably suggests the hair of the dog method. If I don’t feel any urges to hurl, it could be a goer. If my body recoils at the thought of having yet another tequila soda, that’s a sign to pack it in, take some Panadol and settle in for the inevitable headache.
SCORE: 6/10
A tacky AKA the tactical vomit
Sadly, I am an expert at the tacky. I still remember the first time I did a tactical vom. I was at a weekend getaway with my boyfriend and his friends. I was so anxious about the whole thing that I had my first-ever panic attack and managed to absolutely write myself off. A kind gal took pity on me and showed me how to perform the rite of passage.
It’s been a helpful tool in my drinking toolbox ever since.
It is important to note that tackys are inherently disgusting and since my frontal lobe has developed, I no longer vouch for the mid-evening tacky. These days though, I can vouch for the morning-after tacky. You know, the ones where just looking at a toilet makes the vom go “yoohoo” from your churning stomach?
That’s when you know you have some demons to expel. If you don’t get that feeling, the vom is not tactical and hence not welcome.
SCORE: 6/10
Lying on a cold, tiled floor
Don’t knock lying on a cold, tiled floor until you try it. There’s something invigorating about the firmness of the ground and the temperature.
According to my colleague Simran, lying on a tiled floor hungover is a game changer.
“It absolutely works,” she said.
“I lie on tiled flooring for about 20 minutes cause the cold rejuvenates me but I also get to lie down. It’s like the lazy girl version of a cold plunge.”
She’s soOoooOOoOo right.
SCORE: 7/10
A crisp, morning swim
If you’re able to get your weary ass out of bed, heading to the beach for a nice cold dip is the perfect thing to shock your sluggish cells into action.
One time my best friend Ellie and I were shamefully hungover and decided to head to the beach to see if it would help. Although the water was freezing, one of us braved it and felt significantly more alive. The other fell asleep in the back of a car with a burrito balanced delicately between our boobs. Never forget.
EFFECTIVENESS SCORE: 8/10
Plain ‘n’ salty
When navigating the rocky waters of a hangover, there is one genre of food that very rarely fails me — plain ‘n’ salty. I’m talking chippies. I’m talking butter or vegemite on toast. I’m talking crackers. I’m talking nuts. The kind of thing that settles the stomach but doesn’t overwhelm. After all, you are but a husk of your usual self.
Save the flavour for another day, pal.
SCORE: 9/10
Cold ‘n’ wet
On the rare occasion a plain, salty-flavoured food item does not hit, it’s important to look at the other end of the food spectrum — cold and wet. Some examples of a cold and wet include frozen coke, soft-serve ice cream, some watermelon that’s been cut up and stored in the fridge or even some jelly.
A cold and wet item is perfect for the days when your mouth is drier than the desert. If you really want to cover your bases, try pairing a cold ‘n’ wet with a plain ‘n’ salty.
SCORE: 9/10
Being rostered on to work because you have no choice
Sometimes, it’s not about how hungover you are, it’s about your resolve and dedication. Today, I am here, blue Gatorade in hand, and I genuinely think having no other choice has helped my hangover.
The mind is sOoOoOoO powerful, isn’t it?
SCORE: 10/10
Well, there you have it. I hope you’re feeling slightly better after reading this. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go duck out for a cold ‘n’ wet frozen coke with a side of plain ‘n’ salty fries to see me through to the end of the day.
Happy New Year, lizards!!!!
