From monstrous bosses to hygiene-challenged colleagues, the toe-curling office horror stories that will sound all too familiar – and how YOU can finally handle them, revealed by an expert

Whether it’s the use of inappropriate language, telling awful jokes or over-sharing personal information, the workplace can be a minefield to navigate.

Increasingly in multi-generational offices, one person’s so-called ‘bit of fun’ or ‘banter’ can be another person’s line-crossing behaviour worthy of an HR complaint.

But even those who wouldn’t recognise humour if it dressed up as Basil Brush can drive you to distraction by lingering awkwardly at your desk or trying to get you to join their office book club.

Here, with advice from psychotherapist and business coach Kamalyn Kaur, we highlight the most annoying office behaviours with this pest-spotters guide.

See how many of your colleagues you recognise (or if you might be one yourself…)

Sexist speakers

‘Good morning girls, how are you today?’ says the boss to his team of female employees. ‘Can you leave that report on my desk, sweetheart?’ says another. ‘Which one of you lovely ladies can help me with this project?’

Very often people who can’t remember (or can’t be bothered to learn) a colleague’s name will resort to using words such as ‘darling’, ‘honey’ and ‘my love’. That might have been something Don Draper got away with in Mad Men, but times have changed. Although you may not intend offence, you will undoubtedly be causing it. The same applies to female bosses who refers to her male employees as ‘boys’ or ‘lads’.

Kamalyn says: ‘Although not malicious, it’s patronising and unprofessional. No 50-year-old woman wants to be referred to as a ‘girl’ and, in today’s workplace, there will be workers who don’t use traditional gender pronouns. Always use someone’s name or their professional role. 

‘The marketing team’ is acceptable ‘the marketing girls’ is not.’

The oversharer

No Judy, people don’t want to see the rash on your thigh that developed over the weekend. And Ian, while it’s very sad your wife wants a divorce, the people in the weekly sales meeting don’t want a blow-by-blow account.

And, yes, Helen you may be having the best sex of your life, but Pam from payroll doesn’t need to hear about it while she’s preparing the tea round.

Some people feel compelled to share every last detail of their private lives. If this is you, forget staying the right side of the line; you’re so far over it, the line is in another time zone.

Kamalyn says: ‘Oversharing leaves others feeling awkward. You’ve forced them to engage in something they may not know how to respond to and dumped something on them that they may not have the capacity to deal with. It’s unprofessional; save that stuff for your friends.’

The nickname nuisance

There are some who can’t resist dishing out nicknames to colleagues. 

Suddenly Sarah becomes ‘Sazza’ and Martin is ‘Mazza’, while poor Charlotte has to contend with having ‘Charlie-Chops’ yelled across the sales floor. Fine for the pub dart’s team, definitely not fine for the office. 

It’s also over-familiar to shorten someone’s name and assume that Melanie is ok with ‘Mel’ and Sebastian likes ‘Seb’.

Kamalyn says: ‘If someone wants their name shortened, they’ll let you know. Alexander might say ‘everyone calls me Alex’; if he doesn’t then don’t assume it’s ok. You could be using a name he likes to keep for family only. 

Forcing nicknames on people at work is patronising and disrespectful and can cause them a great deal of humiliation when you use it publicly.’

The stationery scrounger

Laws of human nature seem to dictate that the person forever swiping your stapler, pen and scissors is also the person least likely to return them. It may not seem like a big deal, but your colleagues will consider you to be a nuisance. If they’ve taken to labelling their office equipment and locking it in a drawer at the end of the day, then take the hint.

The stationery pest will argue that the items they are borrowing belong to the company – true, in which case source your own!

Kamalyn says: ‘You are inconveniencing others and, from a therapy perspective, you are signalling a lack of respect for personal boundaries. If you do have to borrow something, return it promptly and don’t make others feel uncomfortable by having to ask for it back.’

Touchy-feely types

Do you like to go in for a big bear hug when someone returns from holiday or sick leave? Do you greet co-workers with actual kissing or air kissing? Can you not resist touching some people’s hair, stroking pregnant bellies or even playfully patting the head of a bald worker? 

Well, stop that right now. It doesn’t matter that you consider yourself to be a warm and tactile person, others are likely to regard you as inappropriate and creepy.

Kamalyn says: ‘In the workplace, the best advice is to remember the “three-foot rule”. People generally start to become awkward when that space is reduced, it’s why we all feel so uncomfortable in lifts. It is inappropriate to touch anyone without their consent.’

Desk lingerers

They swing by to ask you a work question… and never leave. They might be trying to elicit office gossip, have a sneaky peak at what’s on your screen or just be bored and looking to kill time. 

They’ll often randomly pick up your framed photographs and look at them or start nosily thumbing through a file. No matter how many times you avoid eye contact and carry on typing they just don’t get the message.

Kamalyn says: ‘When you’re busy it’s very frustrating to have to deal with a desk lingerer as they disrupt your focus and concentration. 

‘Offenders should pay attention to the visual clues – is the person you are chatting to giving short answers and staring at their screen? If so, don’t impose. Ask the question, get your answer and leave.’

Jokers and banterers

There’s probably not a woman alive who hasn’t been on the receiving end of a smutty double entendre when ‘Can I give you one of these brownies?’ is met with a ‘Oh you can give me one alright’. 

Just because your family and friends tell you that you are a natural comedian, it doesn’t mean the people you share an office with will agree. If you think you’re funny, then do stand up, but don’t try your material – no matter how harmless you believe the joke is – out on your colleagues.

Kamalyn says: ‘Jokes should be saved for social settings. In the office there are going to be people who don’t share or get your humour. You’ll be creating an atmosphere and distracting people from their work. Keep your language neutral and inclusive.’

Talkers and time-hijackers

We’ve all worked with people who just love the sound of their own voices. Why explain something in one sentence when you can drone on for ten minutes? The talker will often start meetings by stating that they want everyone’s input but, by the time they’ve finished their indulgent monologue, there’s no time to hear from anyone else.

Meetings give them a captive audience – which is why they call so many of them.

You may convince yourself that everyone is hanging onto your every work but, in reality, they’re planning their Christmas shopping lists and giving one another the side eye.

Kamalyn says: ‘Talking too much wastes time and frustrates others. It’s self-centred and while you are busy blowing your own trumpet everyone else will be switching off and losing concentration. Instead, be precise, stick to the topic and prepare notes ahead of time. Also, is the meeting truly necessary? Would a memo suffice?’

Socialising peer pressurers

Monday night book club! Wednesday night choir! Friday night drinks! And don’t forget Sally’s leaving do! Sometimes it feels like you have to put as much effort into office socialising as you do into the paid work. With Christmas-time upon us many workers will be feeling pressured into attending parties and risk being shamed by office pests and busy bodies if they don’t.

If you’re the one doing the pressuring, then stop. Believe it or not, some people have lives away from work.

Kamalyn says: ‘There can be so many reasons why people don’t want to socialise outside of work such as family commitments, budget constraints or social anxiety. Many people like to keep their work and personal lives entirely separate. Invite people, but don’t pressure them and don’t question anyone who doesn’t attend.’

Attention seekers

They might randomly screech ‘Oh my God!’ while looking at something on their phone. Or perhaps they’ll burst into a hysterical cackle, only to reply ‘Oh, nothing’ when you ask them what’s so funny.

Then there’s the person who makes endless, loud personal calls, forcing you to listen as they talk to their estate agent about buying a home or their partner about booking a holiday.

These showboats also love to throw a grenade into a conversation by saying something that is deliberately provocative or offensive while claiming it was done to ‘foster dialogue’. The truth is that all this behaviour is about garnering attention.

Kamalyn says: ‘Don’t force people to hear your personal conversations, especially if you are using the sort of language that might bother other people. There is a time and place to showcase a big personality, and the office is rarely it.’

kamalynkaur.com