Forget throuples: The new daring dating trend is the polycule… and it sounds EXTREMELY complicated
Gone are the days when a romantic relationship involved a partnership of two.
Now, you’ve the choice of a throuple, a non-monogamous arrangement or the latest trend in modern dating… a polycule.
According to accounts from sex therapists, a polycule describes a situation in which couples welcome other lovers into their relationship.
For instance, all four people could have romantic dealings with each other, or perhaps one shares intimacy with two members of the foursome.
One example is the house where 33 year-old Craig Williamson lives in Newcastle-Under-Lyme.
‘Polycule’ is a combination of ‘polyamorous’ and ‘molecule’ (because the parts of the polycule bond like atoms in a molecule).
Craig told The Times he lives with his partner Jen and her boyfriend Andre, who are both in their late twenties.
While both Andre and Craig are in a relationship with Jen, they are not in one with each other.
The trend also involves perculiar terms that describe the different roles within the polycule.
For instance, a ‘hinge’ refers to the member of the group who has romantic relationships with more than one individual.
A ‘metamour’, meanwhile, is a person whose partner has a relationship with someone else. There’s also ‘nesting partner’, which refers to one ‘primary’ partner who you might choose to live with.
‘I can’t stop myself falling in love with another person,’ Jen told The Times. ‘I describe polyamory as having an infinite amount of love to give.’
Having more than one lover, known as polyamory, is an increasingly popular trend among Brits.
Choosing to have more than one romantic partner is becoming more and more common both in the UK and the US, studies show.
According to a 2023 UK study, a third of heterosexual men and a tenth of straight women said they’d be open to a non-monogamous relationship.
This compares to data from 2015, which found that just two per cent of Brits were keen on the idea.
In the US, studies show that around one in five of those surveyed have had some experience with non-monogamy.
Craig, Jen and Andre described their situation as ‘kitchen table poly’, which means they share a domestic arrangement and everything is out in the open.
This is different from ‘parallel poly’, whereby some members of the polycule are aware of their partners’ romances — and accept it — but choose not to be an active part of it.
Meanwhile, ‘garden poly’ means various partners might not live together but could socialise together as friends.
In terms of bedroom arrangements, Jen splits her time between Andre’s and Craig’s rooms.
Anna lives in a ‘polycule’ and revealed when Spencer (left) comes over, Jake tends to give them some space and goes to ‘sleep on the couch’
She’ll sleep in the bed with Andrew, ‘if Jen wants a lie-in or Andre has had a bad time and needs Jen’s comfort more than I do’, Craig said.
He adds that jealousy is never a problem, as it makes him happy to see Jen happy.
However, the balance between the three isn’t totally equal, legally speaking, as Craig and Jen own the house they live in, while Andrew is a lodger.
The appeal, Craig explained, is that involving others in your relationship keeps the excitement of new connections alive.
The electricity of falling in love with someone new is something Craig ‘relishes’.
But do these benefits really make for a long-lasting, happy relationship?
A small number of studies have explored the effects of unconventional relationships like polyamory.
One 2018 study found that those in open relationships, who have more than one sexual or romantic partner, felt as sexually satisfied than those in monogamous relationships.
However, committed couples who engaged in sexual activities with others felt greater sexual satisfaction than monogamous individuals.
Anna said everyone in her ‘polycule’ is extremely good friends’, even though she’s the only one in a relationship with all the members
But other studies have showed a less promising picture. A 2020 study found that just 42 per cent of participants believed their non-monogamous relationships fulfilled all their needs.
This is compared to around 80 per cent in monogamous couples, according to research.
According to Keely Kolmes, a US-based psychologist specialising in consensual non-monogamy, honesty is key to a successful polycule.
‘Make sure you’re frank with one another about how often you’d like to see each other, how often you’d like to hang out in a group versus one-on-one, and what parts of your relationship should be purely sexual versus classically romantic,’ she told Cosmopolitan.
Another polycule that believe the set-up is key to their happiness is that of Chicago-based Anna, Jake, Spencer and Ellie.
Anna, 26, is married to Jake, 25, but still has time for her boyfriend, Spencer, 28, as well as her girlfriend Ellie, 26.
Married Anna, 26, who lives in Chicago, Illinois, US, married husband Jake, 25, before meeting her boyfriend Spencer four years later.
She said her husband gets ‘pretty claustrophobic’ and he likes to give Spencer and Anna space when we get the chance to see each other
Anna sees herself as having three individual relationships, and her partners do not have physical or romantic relationships with each other.
Speaking of her relationship with her husband — who she was married to for four years before meeting Spencer — she said: ‘We are still very much in love’.
However, she added: ‘I have a whole lot of love to spare for other people as well.
‘Whilst not everyone is just in a relationship with each other, we are all extremely good friends and have a “kitchen table” style polycule relationship where we all get along and vibe with each other.
‘I live with Jake full time, but Ellie and Spencer live in different states, and everyone has full time jobs so it’s always quite hard to schedule separate time for each individual.
‘I would love for us all to be able to live together at some point, but that’s not really a viable option right now as everyone is on their own path in life.’
