FLOURISHING AFTER 50: I’m the main carer for my elderly mum while my siblings do nothing – and now they’ve hit me with an outrageous demand

Dear Vanessa,

I am the main carer for my mum, who is in her late 80s and still living in her own home. Mum wants to stay in her house, and my siblings insist on this as well because they want it to remain an asset for inheritance when the time comes. I spend most of my time running her to medical appointments, organising her medications, and handling her bills.

My siblings live interstate and contribute nothing to her day-to-day care, yet they’re now asking for access to mum’s bank accounts. They want to check what I’ve spent because they’re concerned about how much will be left for inheritance. It’s upsetting because I’ve done everything to ensure mum’s needs are met, often dipping into my own pocket for groceries or other things she needs.

I’m also juggling a job I love as an administrator, which gives me a sense of purpose and independence. But between work, caring for mum, and looking after my own family, I’m stretched thin. My husband has suggested I quit my job to make things easier, but that would leave me without an income and feeling like I’ve sacrificed everything for this situation.

I’m starting to feel bitter and resentful toward my siblings, who seem more focused on inheritance than on mum’s wellbeing or the toll it’s taking on me. I know mum doesn’t want to go into care, but I’m burning out. 

How do I balance all of this without breaking down?

Sincerely,

Heather.

Dear Heather,

First, let me say how incredible you are for taking on the role of carer. What you’re doing for your mum is a huge act of love, but it’s clear the pressure is taking its toll. It’s not surprising you feel resentful – you’re carrying the weight of caregiving while your siblings focus on future inheritance. This imbalance needs addressing, for your sake and your mum’s.

Start by having an honest, documented conversation with your siblings. Suggest a family meeting (even virtually) and explain everything you’re doing. Lay out the costs you’re coverin – both financial and emotional – and ask for specific contributions, whether it’s financial support, organising paid help, or even taking turns visiting mum to give you a break. Make it clear that her care is a shared responsibility.

If they’re fixated on the bank accounts, agree to transparency but only if they step up too. You could suggest a professional mediator or financial adviser to ensure fairness and discuss how your mum’s finances are being handled. Some financial advisers specialise in aged care and family financial planning. You can use my free service to find one here 

For your mum’s care, look into services that might ease the load. Organisations like My Aged Care can provide respite care, home help, and other resources. These could allow you to focus on your family and job without feeling guilty. Don’t forget to explore financial support options for carer which exist to help people like you.

Quitting your job should be a last resort. Your independence is vital, not just financially but for your mental health and sense of self-worth. Instead, look into flexible working arrangements with your employer. Many workplaces are becoming more accommodating for carers.

Lastly, consider seeking professional emotional support for yourself, whether through a counsellor or a carers’ support group. Feeling bitter and resentful is normal, but holding onto those emotions can harm your wellbeing. You deserve to have your own needs met too.

Remember, it’s not selfish to set boundaries – it’s essential for your health and your ability to continue being there for your mum.

Warm regards,

Vanessa.