Dear Vanessa,
I’m writing because I’m caught in a family dilemma that’s becoming harder to ignore. I have a wonderful daughter from my first marriage, and I’m now happily remarried to a kind, loving man who has three children of his own. While I adore him, his kids, and the life we’ve built, I’m worried about ensuring my daughter gets the inheritance she deserves.
Before we married, I had some assets – including my own home – that I’ve always planned to pass on to my daughter. We didn’t sign a prenup, and now his children are suggesting everything should be split equally among all four kids when we pass away. While I understand their perspective, I don’t think it’s fair. These were assets I brought into the marriage, and I want to honour my commitment to my daughter.
Whenever I try to bring this up with my husband, he becomes defensive and protective of his own kids. It’s as if he thinks I’m trying to short-change them, which isn’t true. We both still own separate homes, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells every time this topic comes up. I don’t want this to hurt our marriage, but I also want to protect my daughter’s future.
What’s the fairest way to handle this, and how do I even begin to navigate this awkward conversation with my husband?
Anne.
Dear Anne,
Blended families are a beautiful mix of love and connection, but they also come with financial complexities that can’t be ignored. The time to address these issues is ideally before marriage through legal tools like prenuptial agreements that safeguard each partner’s assets and clarify expectations. But it’s not too late to act now and create a fair and lasting plan.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov (above)
The first thing you need to do is make your wishes legally binding. Updating your will or setting up a trust is essential to ensure your daughter receives the inheritance you intended. These documents will protect your assets and prevent disputes later on. Without them, you run the risk of unintended consequences that could fracture your family.
Since this is a highly emotional topic, I strongly recommend engaging a financial adviser or estate planner who can mediate the discussion and guide you through the options. A neutral professional will take the heat out of the conversation and focus on practical solutions that work for everyone. If you don’t know where to start, my free Find a Planner service can connect you with someone trusted and experienced. You can explore it here.
Fairness doesn’t have to mean equal shares. It’s completely reasonable for assets brought into the marriage to be treated differently from those accumulated together. For example, your individual homes might go to your respective children, while joint assets could be divided among all four. Having a clear plan like this could make the situation feel less contentious.
When discussing this with your husband, timing and tone are key. Choose a calm, private moment and let him know that this isn’t about taking away from his children but about fulfilling your commitment to your daughter. Emphasise that you want to work together to find a solution that feels fair to both of you and strengthens your bond as a couple.
Once you’ve aligned with your husband, consider bringing all the children into the conversation to explain your decisions as a united front. Open communication now will prevent misunderstandings and foster a sense of transparency and respect.
If you’re feeling unsure about how to start this discussion, my book, The Five Conversations About Money to Radically Change Your Life, is a helpful resource. It offers practical tips for handling sensitive money topics and navigating family dynamics. You can find it here.
Addressing this now will protect your daughter’s future, preserve harmony in your marriage, and provide peace of mind for everyone involved. Taking these steps might be uncomfortable, but they’ll ensure your legacy is handled the way you intend.
Warm regards,
Vanessa.
