DEAR JANE: My bully mother-in-law stole a deeply intimate item from me. It says everything about her inappropriate relationship with my husband

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been married for two years and we are very happy together.

Unfortunately, his mother has always been overbearing and tricky to deal with. My husband is an only child, so his mom is obsessed with him. She often tells him I’m not welcome to join their ‘mother and son’ plans, which I find so bizarre.

She also criticizes everything I do.

For example, she always says his shirts don’t look properly ironed and that our laundry detergent gives her allergies. I’m sure she just says these things because she knows I do the laundry and she wants to undermine me.

She also complains about my cooking whenever she comes over for dinner, and always seems to find something negative to say about the cleanliness of our home — even when it’s spotless.

If I’m honest, I think her constant criticism stems from jealousy. She clearly envies me for being the main woman in her son’s life.

Anyway, at this point in my marriage, I’ve more or less learned to deal with her difficult ways.

That was until recently… 

You see, my husband and I went out for dinner with his parents last week to celebrate his father’s birthday, and I wore a new custom perfume that I had made at a store where you can create a personalized scent.

When I greeted my mother-in-law, she complimented my perfume — which shook me because she rarely compliments me. She asked where I got the scent and I told her that it was custom-made.

Cut to a few days later, and she came over to the house while my husband was at work to drop off some muffins she had made. I briefly exited the room, and when I came back in, she was rifling through my purse. I asked her if she was looking for something and she simply said ‘no’ and then dashed away saying she had an appointment to get to.

After she left, I checked my purse — and the perfume was gone!

I decided to wait until I saw her in person to bring up the missing perfume, but then something else weird happened.

My husband and I met up with his parents for brunch yesterday, and I left my purse at the table while I went to the bathroom. When I returned and looked in my purse for sunglasses, the perfume was back — but I could smell it on my mother-in-law.

Had she used it on herself? Had she gone to the store and made a replica? And WHY would she want to smell like her son’s wife?

It’s all so creepy, especially when she usually treats me with such loathing. 

How do I bring this up to ensure it doesn’t happen again?

From,

Smells Fishy

Dear Smells Fishy,

Trust me, I know how difficult it is to deal with an overbearing mother-in-law who demands that she has her son all to herself.

It seems there is something deeply unhealthy going on between your husband and his mother. She is not only attempting to be the most important woman in his life, but she’s also now going so far as to copy you.

In different circumstances, this might be a compliment — for example, I have known mothers-in-law who buy the same clothes as their daughters-in-law because they’re inspired.

But this is different. This is clearly jealousy.

I’m so glad that you are aware of that, and that you recognize your mother-in-law’s constant criticism is nothing to do with you, but merely a reflection of her own issues. 

However, I’m not sure that saying anything to her about the perfume is going to help. She will undoubtedly jump to furious denial. I suspect she is the kind of woman who will escalate her behavior when put on the spot.

I think awareness is your greatest tool here. You know that in her eyes, you are the enemy — and that gives you far more power.

I suggest that you stay on your guard and protect your peace, as you’ve been doing up until now.

I would also talk to your husband about it. He ought to know just how crazy his mother is being, and it will no doubt help you to get this off your chest.

Dear Jane,

My roommate and I have lived together in New York City for four years — since we were both in our early 20s.

At the beginning, we had a lot of fun together. We were constantly out and about, clubbing on weekends, dinners on weeknights, and spending our spare moments watching TV together or exploring the city.

However, two years ago, I met my boyfriend and things changed. I started spending a lot of time with him and also began to devote more hours to my job.

Fast forward to now, my roommate and I live very separate lives and don’t see each other as often — but I still consider her a close friend, which is why this next part is so difficult.

I want to move in with my boyfriend. But I don’t want to find a new place together, I want to stay in the apartment I currently share with my friend… and I want her to move out.

I originally found the apartment we live in — it was my cousin’s apartment before and she signed the lease over to me when she moved out. It’s an incredible apartment and the rent is very reasonable, which is a rarity in the city.

I think I’m entitled to keep the apartment, given the fact that I sourced it for us, but I don’t know how to ask my roommate to leave.

Should I start being an awful roommate so she has no choice but to move out?

Perhaps I can eat all her groceries, leave the communal areas in a complete mess, and have my boyfriend over all the time so she gets the hint that she’s intruding.

From,

Rude Roommate 

Dear Rude Roommate,

I’m not going to beat around the bush: no, you should not resort to awful behavior to get your roommate to leave.

Good Lord. That would be a terrible thing to do to someone who has not just been a good roommate, but, up until you found your boyfriend, a great friend.

I’m sorry for the tough talk, but just because your life has changed and you now want to keep the apartment that the two of you have shared doesn’t mean that you get to behave so selfishly.

You’re presumably in your late twenties, and therefore old enough to be mature about this.

The fact that the apartment was signed over to you by your cousin and the lease is in your name does indicate that the place should be yours.

And so, the grown-up way of handling this is to sit your roommate down and explain (without entitlement) that you and your boyfriend are taking the next logical step in your relationship by moving in together. As much as you have loved sharing the apartment with her, you are both now in different phases. And, given that the lease is in your name, you are giving her notice that she will have to move out soon. 

Tell her you’re aware that this is a hard conversation and that you are grateful for all the good times you have shared.

A fair notice period will help her find another place — you might even consider suggesting a grace period much longer the usual standard, as a gesture of thanks and goodwill.

Treat her with respect and maturity. She may disagree and be upset but, ultimately, the apartment is yours.