DEAR JANE: My boyfriend is horrified by my ‘disgusting’ habit, but I thought every woman did it

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend of two years has been spending a lot of time at my New York apartment – largely because I don’t have a roommate and he does.

Granted, my place is small, but it is much nicer overall.

Of course, this means he’s been sharing the limited kitchen space, as well as my tiny en suite. But on the whole, we’ve been cohabiting very well. 

That was until the other day, when he mentioned something he’d found in the shower and it led to a rather awkward moment.

My boyfriend had planned to wash his hair but said he saw that I’d run out of shampoo and conditioner, and so decided to wait until the next day.

When he showered the following morning, however, the bottles were still empty. It was the same story the next day… and the next.

In the end, I had to admit that I only wash my hair once a week – at most.

The fact is that I have thick hair and it’s a nightmare to wash it by myself. It also doesn’t really get greasy.

I earn good money and one of my favorite ‘self-care’ treats is getting expensive salon washes and blow dries every other week. I usually aim to wait for the hairdresser to do the wash.

I’ve always thought this was pretty usual girl behavior, but my boyfriend was horrified when I told him.

He said it’s ‘disgusting’ that I get my hair washed so rarely and claimed that none of his previous lovers have been so ‘unclean’.

Now, he brings it up whenever we’re out with friends. He seems to enjoy asking my various girlfriends how often they wash their hair – and even asks his male friends what their partners do.

Frankly, the whole thing feels humiliating.

My girlfriends all have different types of hair, none of them follows the same washing schedule and I find his reaction childish.

But now I’m wondering if I should wash my hair more often. He’s made me question my sense of hygiene.

From,

Smelly Tresses 

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column

Dear Smelly Tresses,

I am so sorry that you have been shamed by your boyfriend. 

As someone who also has very thick hair, I know how time-consuming washing, drying and styling can be. And how, a lot of the time, the whole process isn’t even necessary.

Hair that is particularly thick and curly doesn’t get easily greasy, and usually looks exactly the same a few days or more after a trip to the salon.

Hair maestro John Frieda agrees that there is no straight answer to how often hair should be washed, and that those with thicker hair need not wash it so frequently.

In short, you are doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Your boyfriend’s behavior, on the other hand, is something that should be addressed. 

That he is judging you so harshly, not only to your face but also in front of others, is particularly problematic. This is not the kind of treatment I’d expect from someone who is supposed to love and care about you.

The first thing I would do is find an authoritative article online about how often to wash hair and then show it to your boyfriend, while also explaining clearly how you feel when he calls your routine ‘disgusting’ and repeatedly brings it up with your friends.

Rather than using ‘you’ sentences, as in ‘you make me feel’ or ‘you embarrass me when’, use what we call ‘I’ sentences: ‘I feel embarrassed when you…’

In healthy relationships, people care when they hurt their partners, even inadvertently. Indeed, we often don’t realize how throwaway comments have impacted loved ones until they’re addressed.

I hope that once you have brought this up with him, he stops. Otherwise, there might be a deeper problem here.

However, I do have to add that, just because he behaves like an idiot doesn’t mean you have to let it get to you.

In the end, it is up to us what we let bring us down, and what we can rise above. 

You could just accept that your boyfriend can be a bit of a fool – and then decide whether or not to put up with it.