DEAR JANE: I had FaceTime sex with a VERY powerful man and now I’m terrified for my career

Dear Jane,

I fear I have made a terrible mistake and I’m not sure what to do.

It all started at the office holiday party of the law firm I work for. I’ve been working with the firm for just under a year, so it was my first time attending the company’s summer party. Many in the office jokingly told me about how rowdy it got every year.

I work as a paralegal for the environmental law department and the party was my first time interacting with many people from other departments, so there were lots of unfamiliar faces.

At the party, after a few too many glasses of champagne, I got chatting to a very handsome man.

We hit it off immediately and, although there was clearly a bit of an age gap, we had so much in common!

Nothing happened between us at the party, but we undeniably had chemistry. He asked for my number and I happily gave it to him.

I left the event at around midnight and stumbled back to my apartment… and that’s when I got a call from him. A FaceTime call!

I picked up, obviously, and there he was… shirtless.

Let’s just say things got pretty steamy and we ended up having ‘FaceTime sex.’

I woke up with an extreme hangover and even worse anxiety about what had happened, but it only got worse from there.

When I showed up to work on Monday, I tried to figure out what his role was within the firm. He hadn’t told me his department or position.

Well, turns out he is a managing partner, one of the most important and senior figures at the firm.

Just my luck, ever since the party I’ve seen him around the office multiple times. I have gone out of my way to avoid him and prevent any awkward run-ins – but he has texted me multiple times since our virtual rendezvous, and has even asked me on dates.

Despite having LOTS of fun with him, I don’t think it’s appropriate to continue our relationship.

What do I do? Shall I keep ignoring him? Is it wildly inappropriate to get to know him on a romantic level?

From,

Guilty as Charged

Dear Guilty as Charged,

What a difficult (albeit, perhaps, rather fun) pickle you find yourself in. 

Meeting a handsome stranger who then continues to pursue you even after you’ve gone to great lengths to avoid him is flattering and I’m guessing rather exciting, despite the obvious complications.

But you’re quite right, it would likely be a terrible mistake to get involved with him while you are working at the same company.

You have options, of course, but before we even look at those, I think it worth taking the mature approach by directly approaching your admirer and asking to talk to him. 

You’re not going to be able to keep ignoring his advances, and constantly trying to steer clear of him may ultimately irritate him.

I would suggest meeting with him for a coffee, preferably sometime during the working day, though away from the office and within a window of time that has a hard stop. Not a drink, and nothing outside of working hours.

If you are intent about not wanting to get involved, you need to be mature and set clear boundaries.

Instead of ignoring him, as you have been, explain why it is inappropriate for him to ask you on a date. Then, tell him he has to stop contacting you. 

Given the power dynamic that exists between you, I’m sure he already knows that he is putting his own career in jeopardy. He should be able to see that it would not serve either of you to become romantically involved.

The other thing to bear in mind is that, although you have had great ‘virtual sex’, you really don’t know this man at all. 

He may be handsome and you may have had a great initial connection, but I promise you that sexual chemistry on its own cannot sustain a relationship for very long. It certainly wouldn’t be worth risking your job for a fling.

There is an alternative scenario: you could decide to get to know each other. Not as romantic or sexual partners, but as friends.

If there truly is something between you and if you decide to give things a go, then you would have to revisit your job situation… and perhaps start looking for work elsewhere.

Dear Jane,

I’ve spent my whole life as a lesbian since I came out at 16 and am now 27, but recently I met a man at the local gym where I work out.

We hit it off as gym buddies at first, but slowly started to get closer to each other. He seems pretty openly interested in me and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him, no matter what I do.

I’ve never felt like this about a man before, and it’s even more surprising because he’s so masculine – he’s good looking, he’s tall, he’s extremely muscular and his body dwarfs mine. And I normally go for petite girls!

I’ve even been having fantasies about him, which is something that’s absolutely never happened for any man before.

Should I take the plunge despite my identity and see what happens? How do you think he’d react since he knows I’m a lesbian? Any advice is welcome!

From,

Sweaty and Confused

Dear Sweaty and Confused,

One of the things that is so awe-inspiring about the younger generation is how fluid they are with their sexualities. However, one of the things that can be so frustrating is how desperate they are to label themselves.

I understand how comforting a label can be, particularly given that we are living in times where technology is leading to more loneliness and isolation. 

Having a label suddenly makes us part of a community. It makes us feel like we belong.

But of course, as you are now discovering, the problem with labels is that they can limit us.

We are so much more than a label and we can’t always color inside the lines.

Here you are, a self-identified lesbian who has spent her young adult life having relationships with women. But now you are finding yourself physically attracted to a man.

And what I say is: lucky you! 

How lovely to feel so attracted to someone and how lovely to have someone to fantasize about.   

Isn’t a full life about seizing it all and experiencing everything? What a gift to be able to step out of your comfort zone and experience something new.

My suggestion is to go for it. 

You’ll certainly find sex with a man different to sleeping with women. You might hate it. On the other hand, you might find it the sexiest thing ever. You won’t know until you try.

I’ve known plenty of people who spent their whole life as straight, and then suddenly they realize in their forties and fifties, often after marriage and children, that they want to be with someone of the same sex. 

Perhaps you’re having the opposite realization but at such a young age. You have so much more to explore and so many years ahead of you.

Try to think of sexuality as a spectrum and embrace it all!