Dear Jane,
I recently started working in the marketing department for a bank, and I’ve been trying very hard to befriend my new colleagues.
My team is small and already tight knit (they’re all girls), so it’s been difficult to feel included. It’s almost like I’m back in high school and trying to be friends with the popular girls.
So I was delighted when one of the girls invited me to get lunch with her a few weeks ago. We hit it off and have been taking coffee breaks together every few days since.
The only thing is, she is a huge gossip and loves to talk about what is going on in the personal lives of all our coworkers. She definitely gets a kick out of discussing other people’s drama.
Gossiping is certainly not something I enjoy, but because I’m still new to the company, and because this girl seems to be friends with everyone, I have continued to spend time with her for the sake of my social life. But I am trying to be careful about what I tell her, because I’m sure it will not stay between the two of us.
And this is all why I was utterly horrified when I accidentally sent her an extremely provocative picture last weekend.
You see, I had been out with my outside-of-work friends and had a few too many drinks, and I thought it would be a good idea to send a spicy picture to the guy that I’m currently seeing. I posed in my lingerie, snapped a selfie, and then texted it to him. Or so I thought.
Dear Jane: I sent a dirty message to the worst person imaginable.
I assumed he was the most recent person I had texted, and so would be at the top of my chat history. But I hadn’t noticed that my new coworker girlfriend had texted me about some gossip just moments before. I accidentally sent the nude to her!
Obviously, I was mortified, and immediately texted again begging her not to tell anyone or share the picture. She responded quickly saying I had nothing to worry about and that my secret was safe with her.
I went to work on Monday hoping it would be forgotten. But I couldn’t help noticing that others on my team were paying more attention to me, and even looking at me differently.
I texted her after work on Monday to make sure she hadn’t said anything, and she assured me she had not. But then on Tuesday, I got the same strange vibes from my colleagues.
Perhaps I’m being paranoid, but I get the sense that she’s told people about the picture I sent her, and maybe even showed it to them. It feels like they are judging me.
Should I confront her again, or maybe even ask others if there’s something I should know? I don’t want this to ruin my reputation at work when I’m so new to the job – and nor do I want it spoil any chances of making friends with my coworkers. But I also really need to know what’s happened.
From,
Naked & Afraid
Dear Naked & Afraid,
Before we address the sexy photographs, we need to talk about your gossipy co-worker.
I guarantee that the reason everyone seems to like her is not because of any great qualities, rather it’s because they’re terrified of her.
The truth is, gossips can never be trusted. With anything. They delight in stirring the pot, in spreading news and creating drama. When someone revels in talking negatively and so openly about others, the only thing you can know for certain is that it will be your turn soon.
For me, gossips are an absolute deal breaker in friendships. I once had a very close friend who loved gossiping. She would come over and talk horribly about everyone we knew. Like you, I felt so uncomfortable I tended to just listen, telling myself that if I didn’t contribute, it would be okay. Except it wasn’t. I felt dirty every time I saw her and, sure enough, it was only a matter of time before I heard she was spreading rumors about me.
I ended that friendship and haven’t had a moment of regret since.
Choose your friends wisely. It’s all too easy to fall quickly into new friendships when you start a new job or move to a new country. But it is always wise to take things slowly, to allow people to reveal themselves fully before you decide to let them in.
While you may not be able to easily end this new friendship with your colleague, I would strongly advise keeping her at arm’s length.
You can continue to be friendly, but stop spending every break with her. Think of it as relegating her to the rank of acquaintance rather than friend.
As to the lingerie picture, there is indeed a strong chance that she has shared it.
But remember: if you felt good enough about the picture to text it to someone in the first place, you need feel no shame. In fact, I would try and see the funny side. When you’re next in an informal setting with your new colleagues, trying bringing up mortifying stories and tell them how you accidentally texted a sexy picture to a co-worker. Bringing it to light will make the issue disappear, for shame can only survive in darkness.
My last piece of advice for you is a general one about sending saucy pictures via text. Just don’t. Texting anyone compromising images is always a terrible idea.
Dear Jane,
I am part of a very close group of six guy friends, we’ve known each other since middle school, and have all moved back to the same city after graduating from college two years ago.
We all work during the day but spend most nights together playing video games, watching movies, going to bars to watch sports, or just chilling out and ordering food.
We’ve all dated a little bit here and there, and had short-term situations with girls, but none of us have ever been in a serious relationship.
A new girl started working at my company about six months ago and we hit it off immediately and started going on dates.
My guy friends didn’t care too much when it was just once or twice a week, but since becoming official she and I have started spending much more time together.
I could tell that my friends were annoyed I wasn’t hanging out with them as much, so I decided to introduce them to my girlfriend and suggested that we all do stuff together.
But when we all went to the bar to watch a football game and they were so cold towards her, basically ignoring her the whole time and acting like they were too engaged in the game to chat.
I asked what they thought of her after the game and they were all incredibly unenthusiastic. They didn’t say anything bad, but I could tell they didn’t love her, and they still don’t.
The tricky thing is, I do love her, and I want to spend time with her. This doesn’t mean I want to spend less time with the guys, it would just make my life a lot easier if we could all be friends together.
After how rude they were to her, it’s not surprising that my girlfriend isn’t that fond of them either. Now it feels like they all hate each other, and I am stuck in the middle!
What do I do?
From,
Down Bad
Dear Down Bad,
Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if all our friends loved our partners, and our partners loved all our friends.
It’s too easy to carry a romantic vision of a happy ever after that is filled with mutual adoration between everyone in our lives.
Unfortunately, as you are discovering, this simply isn’t realistic in most cases.
When I was married, I liked many of my husband’s friends, even though they weren’t people I would necessarily have chosen as friends myself. There were times when we would socialize all together, but I was equally thrilled – and often happier – for my husband to go off and see his pals without me.
Relationships are always about compromise. A new partner inevitably brings a different dynamic to your existing friendships. If there isn’t a strong foundational bond, it may be that you end up seeing your old friends less – but it also doesn’t have to be a binary choice.
In your case, it may be that you’re now at a point in your life where you’re beginning to mature and settle into the next phase. Whilst playing video games and hitting sports bars every night is fun in your twenties, it is (hopefully) a phase, and one that should come to an end as you forge more meaningful relationships.
Nobody has to be put in the middle here. There should be room in your life for both your partner and your male friends, even if you’re now not spending as much time with the boys as they would like.
If you’re in a relationship that is growing serious, it’s only right that you prioritize your girlfriend. However pettily your friends may acting, they will adjust. If they can’t, talk to them and explain that you’re not abandoning them, but that your life has simply changed. With any luck, they will experience something similar soon enough too.
