BEL MOONEY: The first time my husband betrayed me, I stayed with him. But now he’s done something I don’t think I can forgive…
Dear Bel,
In September, I found out that my husband ‘B’ has been unfaithful for decades. I don’t know the exact timing. I found out because he has an online greetings card account and we were using it to send a card to a friend.
I wondered how long it had been since we’d sent a card, so looked at ‘sent cards’. I saw the name ‘Jenny’. I’d also seen it many times before on B’s phone, but he explained she was someone he worked with years ago.
In a nutshell, I checked back over cards he sent and found a host of very loving poetic messages. I asked for his phone records and saw that they’d been telephoning each other monthly or more for years. I have no way of knowing what Jenny’s calls contained but can only imagine they were very loving.
As you can imagine, I was shocked and knocked sideways. In mitigation he told me it didn’t mean anything and he has only ever really loved me.
During a rather heated conversation, he said he’d only slept with her a few times when he was working away.
Years ago, when we’d not been married long, he had an affair with a neighbour. I found out because her husband banged on the door and told me. Then the woman came and told me they were planning to run away together, but B denied that.
Marriage counselling made me realise it may be something I had done or not done to make him unfaithful. We had two children and so there was no way I was going to let him destroy our wonderful little family. So we carried on.
Recently, we visited old friends and it reminded me of all I believed we had. He keeps saying those greeting cards with the loving messages were ‘banter’.
I don’t know what hurts most, the memory of that first affair or the knowledge that he started another one soon afterwards. He still can’t tell me what I lacked as his wife. He says he doesn’t know and has only ever really loved me. So why did he need those women?
We went to Relate but it was no help.
B just couldn’t say why he’d been so cruel. I have no idea whether, thinking of the future, I should tell our (now adult) children. How can you come back from the knowledge that as they grew up he was leading a double life?
We haven’t got that much time to put things back and I don’t think I even want to again. Do you think it’s worth trying to get over his betrayal again?
EVIE
Bel Mooney replies: This is one of those times when I want readers to know that your original letter was 1,399 words and I have edited it to a little under 500, so inevitably both facts and nuance have been affected.
It’s a shame, because your unedited letter, which includes emails sent to close friends, reveals the depth of your bewilderment and sorrow.
Like so many women I’ve met (in life and through my work) whose husbands have been unfaithful, you ask the key question: ‘So why did he need those women?’ What’s more, you flagellate yourself further by asking what was lacking in you.
But, in my experience, the question is not necessarily to do with ‘need’. More, perhaps, a question of opportunity.
Of course, it’s often possible to look at a troubled marriage and trace one party’s infidelity back to some of the actions – or lack of actions – of his/her partner. Do you slob about? Forget to ask loving questions? Are you lazy within the relationship?
Some marriages become very stale and, as a result, an infidelity may well be on the cards. Why? Because it’s exciting. Flattering. Delightfully transgressive. Fun. Sexually thrilling. Rejuvenating. Sometimes refreshingly silly. Different.
All that – and more. If I think it pretty obvious, that’s not in any way to minimise the hurt it can cause.
And when an affair happens because of a deep and enduring love, then all bets about the future are off. Marriages end. New marriages start. But that’s not the case here.
It comes as no surprise that your husband was able to compartmentalise his life. I’m afraid it’s quite normal . . . in those who stray.
On the one hand, B loved (or should I amend that to ‘loves’?) you, the mother of his children. He valued the whole set-up: home, wife, children, marriage and would not have broken it up.
On the other hand, he met two women ready to have an affair. He didn’t ‘need’ the fling. He wanted it – to boost his ego, satisfy his sex drive, test his deceitful ingenuity. And so on.
I’m guessing that’s the beginning and the end of the story: a man leading a double life, not because he is wicked or ‘cruel’, but because he simply couldn’t resist what was on offer. Like a cake on a plate. Often an affair continues just because it’s easier than doing the right thing and bringing it to an end.
Human beings tend to like pleasure – though it must be said that the stress and strains of conducting a secret affair can be far from easy to bear.
Of course, B can’t explain ‘why.’ Nothing wrong with you. Nothing really wrong with him. Just an itch he needed to scratch.
I know some people will find my unshocked tone shocking. No matter. What matters now is whether you can find it within you to continue. I doubt you want to start again alone at this time of your life.
I also doubt you actually want to reveal to your adult children the fact that the father they (presumably) love has behaved badly and hurt you so much.
Unless you do choose to leave him, I see no point.
All I say is that you do not ‘get over’ such life shocks, but it’s certainly possible to develop the determination not to be beaten by them. Not forgetting or forgiveness but forbearance.
I fear a family rift will ruin Christmas
Dear Bel,
Compared with others my problem is trivial, but it’s still eating away at me and I don’t know how I will deal with it.
A few years ago, my son and one of my daughters fell out and now won’t have anything to do with each other. Some stupid hurtful texts were sent from my son. To make everything worse, my daughter-in-law is in the process of leaving him.
My current problem is that my daughters and their families are spending Christmas with us. If my son is going to be on his own, there is just no way I can leave him out. But if I invite him and he comes, then I know my daughter will back out, which will break my heart.
As the festive season approaches, I’m getting more and more anxious about the issue and just don’t know what to do.
JANICE
Bel Mooney replies: You have no idea how much I sympathise; situations like this are all-too-common and therefore (sadly) have been a constant strand in this column for 17 years.
I’m sure you have lain awake in the middle of the night wondering, ‘Why can’t they forgive and forget? Why can’t they just get on together? Why can’t they see how unhappy this is making me? Why are they so self-absorbed?’
Countless people are made utterly miserable by family problems beyond their control – and that’s why, Janice, your issue is very far from being trivial.
From time to time, every one of us will say the wrong thing and/or have something irritating or hurtful said to us.
Mostly there is no control over these matters – yes, even when the wrong words fall from your own mouth and you could kick yourself, but probably double down instead.
Life is full of messy situations, but the vital choice is whether or not to roll and wallow in the dirt. In other words, how to deal with it.
No matter what harm has been done to us, what childhood traumas are to be managed, or what current dilemmas are making us depressed, we do have the choice of whether to clutch the dead weight of conflict to our chests – or let it drop.
Nobody says it’s easy. But it’s essential. Every good choice helps to re-make the world.
Of course you cannot take sides. But ask yourself which of the estranged pair is more likely to be amenable to gentle persuasion.
I suspect your daughter. If that’s so, then can you get her sister on your side and make a real effort between you to persuade her not to ruin Christmas? Use emotional blackmail if necessary – because the estranged brother and sister do need to be told in no uncertain terms what effect their pointless quarrel is having on their poor mother.
Tell them to think.
You could make the point to your daughter that Christmas Day with the families present would be the best possible time to see her brother. A dilution of confrontation. And tell him this is a good time to lay the stupid quarrel to rest.
If both refuse, then I don’t see what you can do.
With luck, his wife may decide to spend a last Christmas with him. I hope so.
And for anybody reading this who is in a similar situation, I beg you to remember that the season of peace and goodwill should mean exactly that.
Otherwise there is no point in being alive.
- Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
