A lump of dread in the pit of your stomach, the nauseating prospect of redownloading Hinge, and bursting into tears after catching a whiff of Maison Margiela’s Jazz Club on the tube – there’s only one thing worse than the pain of a breakup: breaking up twice.
There is, of course, a fail-safe way to avoid a second break-up: by letting the past stay in the past and never looking back. But if you’re reading this the chances are you want to soothe that yearning, regretful hole in your heart by reconciling with an ex. You’re not alone, and getting back with an ex has its perks: no excruciating ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ conversations, you already know what they like in bed, and you likely share some interests if you’ve already managed to have a relationship… However, you’ve also managed to break up with them once before, and the motivations behind that don’t just disappear by rekindling romance.
Getting back together with an ex is always shadowed by the cloud of the past breakup and the reasons behind it, but the Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck reunion felt different. This wasn’t a reunion fueled by breakup-induced impulsivity – this was proof that true love can wait 18 years, that ‘right person, wrong time’ is a real thing, not just a cop-out breakup phrase. It was a message to all yearning exes out there: maybe it’s time to send that ‘I miss you’ text. That is, until J-Lo filed for divorce yesterday after just two years of marriage.
Regardless of how public this divorce is, or how sad the couple looked in the time leading up to the announcement, we know that nobody who genuinely wants to get back with their ex will listen to anyone who advises otherwise. So, if you must, here’s how:
This is a big one. When it comes to breakups, there are two possible camps you might be sitting in right now. If you were the one who ended things, you likely had a good reason at the time. If they broke up with you, ask yourself: why would you want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with you? Regardless of which side you’re on, it’s common to eventually miss the relationship. This is perfectly normal, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s time to jump back in.
Wellbeing writer and mentor Sarupa Shah tells Dazed that she’s seen first-hand how the emotional pain and distance that breakups create often makes her clients look back at the relationship with rose-tinted glasses. “Are you hankering for something you can’t have? We can become addicted to what we think we are being told ‘no’ to. It’s the toddler in us all that won’t accept the no, and especially if you think you didn’t get the closure you wanted.”
Alternatively, you could also be feeling pretty lonely. “Imagining that we aren’t whole without a partner and that is one of the worst reasons to end up with anyone, let alone an ex,” says Shah.
To have the chance to come back to a stronger relationship, you’re going to have to do some reflecting, that requires a stint of sobriety. Hypnotherapist and trauma-informed life coach Patience M Chigodora says that you cannot go back without doing the inner work, and this is only possible with space. “Getting back with your ex without first addressing those deeper issues is like reopening an old book,” she tells Dazed. “You’ll be reading the same story (over and over again) unless you’ve made changes within yourself.” Chigodora sees this loop of pain as the universe forcing us into the same cycles over and over again until we level up and learn, but this learning takes work. “Have you taken the time to do the inner work? Have you confronted your own insecurities, communication patterns, and emotional triggers?” Only once the answer to these questions is a firm yes, should you make a move.
Another, slightly more selfish benefit of going no-contact, is that it gives the other person a chance to miss us (as well as preventing the pain of unreciprocated attention and teary 4am phone calls). What’s more, even if you do the work and decide the relationship isn’t for you, you would have grown in the process.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
— sneeeerr (@sneeeeeerrrr) August 21, 2024
Once you’ve done the work and benefitted from the clarity of no contact, you’re ready to reach out. Therapist at North London Therapy Danny Zane stresses that this should be done without pressure. “Keep it light and casual at first, and if they respond positively, suggest meeting up to chat in person – this can help both of you assess feelings and see if a rekindled connection is possible.”
When meeting up with an ex, it’s easy to let your ego get in the way of what’s important. Ultimately, you can only break cycles by being vulnerable and honest. “During your conversations, be honest about your feelings and express what you’ve learned from the past. Apologise for any mistakes you made, but also listen to their perspective because communication is key.” If your relationship had a weak spot, which caused it to crack in the first place, you could also discuss what might happen when you hit that spot again and make a practical plan, so you’re both braced and know what to do.
As hurt, betrayed or morally superior you may feel – this is only going to work if the playing field is level. No matter how hot you find each other after weeks, months, or even years apart – if resentment is harboured, it’s doomed from the start. “If one person feels superior because they blame the other for what happened, they will have a difficult time getting equal footing when you rekindle love,” Dr Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert at DatingNews and DatingAdvice and psychology professor tells Dazed. Taking responsibility is a really powerful tool to move past this. However, if your ex hasn’t put in the work or is prepared to accept their share of the blame, try and be strong enough to walk away – there’s only so much you can do.
If you do succeed in getting back together, that’s just the first step. Remember you broke up, and this doesn’t mean you have to speed back to exactly where you were when things ended. By taking things slow, you allow yourself to honour your new boundaries, try and do things differently, and correct past mistakes – remember there’s no rush.
