DEAR JANE: My boyfriend has a disgusting airplane habit – and it’s making me want to dump him

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and we just went on our first vacation to Europe.

Up until the trip, I believed he was perfect. I found him so attractive, and thought he was hilarious, smart and kind. But one thing he recently did totally put me off.

It all started on our long-haul flight from the US to London. Mere minutes into the flight, he took his shoes and socks off and remained barefoot for the entirety of the eight-hour flight.

His feet smelt bad and it honestly just grossed me out to see his hairy toes in such a public place. But I kept my mouth shut because everyone has different preferences when it comes to long flights.

After a week in London, we flew to Paris. The flight was one hour long, and yet, for some reason, he felt the need to take his shoes and socks off yet again.

He did this on every single flight we took across Europe, and after I questioned him about it, he said it’s because his feet get sweaty and claustrophobic. Vomit.

I know my feelings may seem like an overreaction, but ever since I have not been attracted to him — which is shocking because I used to be obsessed with him.

It seems so silly to throw away our entire relationship because of this. Is there anything I can do to recover from the ick?

From,

Put A Sock In It

Dear Put A Sock In It,

As someone with a lifelong foot phobia, I share your horror at your boyfriend’s actions.

I remember going to my aunt and uncle’s house for Christmas and all my cousins would lie around on the sofas with bare feet, which horrified me. And, as best as I can remember, they didn’t even smell.

You have my utmost sympathy. Nobody wants to be exposed to smelly feet, particularly not in confined circumstances, like an eight-hour flight.

Someone needs to tell your boyfriend – and damn pronto – that this behavior is not acceptable and I’m afraid that person needs to be you.

As for giving you the ick, well, of course, it gives you the ick. Tell him it gives you the ick, and that his disregard for fellow passengers – and you – is making you fancy him less.

The good news is, often once we express the ick, it passes. The other good news is that once you’ve told him, your future together is very clear.

Either he’s the kind of man who cares about the impact his behaviors have on the world around him (in which case he will stop them) or he’s the kind of man who thinks he is allowed to do whatever he feels like (in which case, you are better off without him).

Either way, you win.

Dear Jane

For a while now I’ve been struggling with self-esteem and self-worth.

One of the ways that it manifests is through celebrity adulation. I get an urge to look up a female celebrity I find intriguing… and then I get fixated.

For instance, I research their skin-care regime and exercise routine, then try to emulate them.

At first, it makes me feel excited — but then that feeling is replaced by sadness and anxiety when I can’t replicate their life exactly.

I get it into my head that the celeb must be perfect and convince myself she never makes mistakes. Rationally I know that’s not true, but I still feel upset.

Then when I’m at my lowest I fixate on every detail of their life. I think about what time they wake up, which toothbrush they use, whether they shower use a bathtub and what their life goals are.

But that’s not all. I even find myself thinking about how many times they might blink in a minute. Or how many times they wear a pair of jeans before washing them. Or how many countries they have visited.

Then, I Google their interviews and try to express myself the way they do by using the same hand gestures and mannerisms.

I know that it’s absurd. I try to do things I enjoy for myself, but this way of thinking has become too much to deal with.

Is it possible to change this unhealthy habit?

Regards

Uninhibited Hipster

Dear Uninhibited Hipster,

I am so sorry that you are struggling, and understand how hard it is to live in a world where so many of us are constantly on our screens, watching how celebrities (and indeed friends/acquaintances) lead lives that seem unattainably perfect.

I know that on some level you know that no one’s life is as it appears on social media.

Most celebrities use a myriad of filters to give themselves perfect skin, remove their eye bags and wrinkles, slim their waists and enlarge their butts.

It’s rare to find famous people who allow candid shots on social media, and brava to those who do. For that demonstrates to women everywhere that it is okay to age, to have saggy skin and imperfect bodies.

As someone with a social media presence myself, I know how curated our feeds are. Followers may think that they are seeing into my life, but the piles of papers on my kitchen counter have been moved out of the shot and the clutter in my home has been swept into a closet.

However, I suspect that reality check won’t provide a huge amount of comfort to you, because you are dealing with something that may require the help of a mental health professional.

When we get stuck in repetitive thoughts or circular thinking, it’s often an indicator of anxiety or depression.

There are effective therapeutic techniques that can redirect your thoughts and replace these unhealthy habits with healthy ones. Please look at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – CBT – as an option.

Wishing you much luck.