Heartbreaking moment mother recalls how her autistic son, 16, choked her during a violent outburst – leaving her unable to be alone with him

A woman has laid bare the heartbreaking reality of caring for her autistic child with little support from health services.

One mother from Northern Ireland, whose son has a learning disability and has been diagnosed with autism, opened up about a frightening incident that has left her unable to be alone with Eoin, 16. 

Speaking to BBC Spotlight in a new documentary, titled I Am Not Okay, Laura Flannigan revealed how she was once choked by her child – who can get distressed, leading to violent outbursts.

‘At one stage he had me up against the wall in his bathroom and he had his hand round my throat and I just couldn’t get past him,’ she tearfully explained.

‘And I just thought, well how am I going to get out of this. And I remember having to say to my daughter, ‘ring your daddy’. And I was afraid, and she was afraid – and I just thought – I can’t be in this situation again.

‘It hurt to know that you were the mummy but you couldn’t be on your own with your own child.’

Laura admitted that it was ‘difficult’ to talk to her husband Séamus about it, because she ‘knew that would change everything for him’.

‘He’s basically nearly like a prisoner here because he couldn’t go anywhere,’ she added. ‘When Eoin was here, he had to be here.’

The mother said that as her son grew up, he became ‘aggressive’ and ‘very agitated’. 

‘He just didn’t seem to be happy in his own skin,’ she remarked. ‘He was starting to hit out at other people… it just became difficult to manage for everybody because he was so big that when obviously he’s kicking things or throwing things or hitting.

‘He has broken windows, he fractured somebody’s nose, he kicked a door off its hinges he’s put holes in walls.’

The documentary shows moments in which Séamus is forced to hold back a clearly distressed Eoin, using his strength to keep him from hurting himself and others, and attempt to calm him down.

One tender moment in the programme shows the family together in a hydrotherapy pool – an activity which cools Eoin down and helps him relax.

The documentary shows moments in which Séamus is forced to hold back a clearly distressed Eoin, using his strength to keep him from hurting himself and others, and attempt to calm him down

Laura told the documentary that the family are struggling to get regular overnight respite from Belfast Health Trust – which Eoin is entitled to. However, this is not being delivered

In a sweet scene, Séamus gently holds and cuddles a chilled out Eoin.

Speaking to the BBC, the father opened up about the expectation placed on him. 

‘I could be out of the room and the next second I’m being called by my daughter or my wife because he’s kicked off again. You have to put yourself physically between him and them and get them out of the road,’ he said.

‘You think okay, at least I’m able to deal with this and it’s not my wife and it’s not my daughter that are getting hurt. But then you realise that they can’t be on their own with him.

‘They can’t spend that quality time without someone being there as a bodyguard.’

However, Séamus also spoke about the sweet moment he and his son shared in the pool while filming.

‘It’s so simple, just splashing about in the water, playing with the waves pushing against you,’ he said. ‘He just loves that and he loves you to be there with him.’

In a sweet scene, Séamus gently holds and cuddles a chilled out Eoin. Speaking to the BBC , the father opened up about the expectation placed on him

Laura told the documentary that the family are struggling to get regular overnight respite from Belfast Health Trust – which Eoin is entitled to. However, this is not being delivered.

‘It’s just very hard living day to day like that,’ she said. ‘We want to be there for own and to help him as much as we can but to do that we do need a break.

‘We need time for ourselves, we need time for our daughter as well because obviously she’s watching and seeing all this and it’s very difficult for her as well.

‘This is for Eoin. We’ve tried everything. We’ve contacted politicians, we spoke to our social workers. We went through every avenue we could possibly think of.’

Social worker Geraldine O’Hagan – who had worked in the system for 30 years and passed away shortly after working on the documentary – said that Eoin’s case is an example of the lack of support being provided. 

‘Laura trying very hard to hold it together and then you’ve got dad, who is wanting to support mum.

The programme, which is available on iPlayer, demonstrated other instances where parents were unable to get respite – which are short breaks that can be offered to parents caring for autistic children

‘They’ve already had  two assessments. And I look at the assessments that they’ve had and it’s from people that are inexperienced in learning disability.

So it’s really not worth the paper its written on. There’s a lot of inexperienced social workers coming in with no training.’

The programme, which is available on iPlayer, demonstrated other instances where parents were unable to get respite – which are short breaks that can be offered to parents caring for autistic children, from the Belfast Trust and the South Eastern Trust.

As explained by the National Autistic Society, respite is ‘available vary significantly depending on the age of your child and the level of their needs’.

In England, local authorities are ‘legally bound’ to provide a range of short breaks including day-time and overnight care, educational or leisure activities and ‘services available to assist carers in the evenings, at weekends and during the school holidays’.

In Northern Ireland, respite can be provided to autistic children and their families ‘if it is identified as a need by your HSCT’.

The NAS website said: ‘Some short break services are specifically for autistic children whilst others are generic services for children with all types of disabilities. 

‘Whilst it does not always matter whether a service is autism-specific or not, it is important that the people caring for your child understand autism.’

In a statement to the BBC, the Belfast Trust said it is ‘very sorry it is unable to offer overnight breaks and is exploring how to reintroduce them’.

‘Eoin and Theo’s [another child in the documentary] complex needs make it difficult to arrange,’ they added. ‘It says it does all it possible can to provide support for autistic children. It says it has no record of official complaints from Geraldine O’Hagan.’

Elsewhere, the programme heard that ‘the Department of Health says it is currently trying to improve and rethink autism care. But the Health Minister admits the current situation is unsustainable.’

FEMAIL has reached out for further comments from the Belfast Health Trust and the South Eastern Trust.

NI Health Minister Mike Nesbitt told FEMAIL: ‘I have watched the recent BBC Spotlight documentary on children with learning disabilities and autism. I found the programme to be very distressing and fully recognise that the situation for those families and others is unsustainable.

‘My heart goes out to these families and others in similar positions. I pay tribute to them for raising their voices.

‘I have already met with one of the families profiled by Spotlight through my constituency work and I intend to meet the other families in the coming weeks.

‘I am determined to see urgent improvement in this area and have tasked officials to provide costed proposals for my consideration in the coming days.

‘An urgent and comprehensive response is required to better support children and families. It is important to reflect that improved access to Short Breaks is a part of the response, alongside a greater level of support in the family home.

‘My officials convened a regional summit with Trusts, RQIA and PHA on 26 September 2024, to identify areas that could be rapidly progressed to address the immediate unmet needs of children with disabilities.’