What’s really driving the ‘sex recession’? TRACEY COX reveals why so many couples are now celibate as Gen Z say it’s ‘too stressful’

The worldwide sex recession is getting worse: there’s never been a younger generation less interested in sex than this one.

Technology and social media are making it easier for people to avoid real-life relationships; student debt and housing costs has left many young people too stressed to prioritise relationships and intimacy. 

Porn reduces the need for real-life encounters, now fraught with fears over safety and consent.

But it’s not just younger people who are avoiding sex.

More than 30 per cent of couples who’ve been together more than two years are in sexless relationships – having sex six or less times a year.

Having no sex is the new sex.

Deciding to stop being intimate is a very personal decision. I talked to three people, now celibate, for very different reasons.

‘I’ve had sex to please him for 30 years, now he can please me by NOT doing it.’

Catherine, 52, got married in her 20s and has three children.

‘I’m going to say out loud what most married women honestly think: I hope I never have to have sex again. 

Most women in long-term relationships find sex boring – yet another chore to cross off at the end of the day. A lot find it off-putting… I’m actually repulsed by sex now.

Sex is an odd thing. When you’re young and your hormones are raging, you’re obsessed with sex. Once those hormones leave your body, sex seems like a silly thing to do. 

Penises have always looked a bit ridiculous to me. Menopause took care of what arousal I had left: I have no feeling in my genitals at all. 

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) found that some people had only been having sex to please their partners and had had enough 

I used to masturbate back in the day. Now, when I touch my clitoris, it’s like touching my forearm. Nothing happens.

I’d say my sex drive started out as high. In my 20s I loved sex. But after having children, I really wasn’t interested – too exhausted – and it never really got off the ground again.

I haven’t enjoyed sex for a long, long time. I did it purely to please my husband. I didn’t mind doing that because I think marriage is a compromise and you each give and take in different ways. But I’ve kept him happy for 30 years, now he can please me by not doing it.

He knows how I feel, and we haven’t had sex for nine months. The sky hasn’t fallen in, and our marriage is fine. I am happy giving him oral sex sometimes and don’t care less how much he watches porn and masturbates. Just don’t bother me anymore.

The relief of knowing I’m never going to be hassled to do something I don’t enjoy is incredible.’

‘I’ve had sex three times and would rather DIY than do it again – it’s too stressful.’

Matt is 24 and a student.

‘I grew up masturbating to porn like every other guy and couldn’t wait to have sex. But I’m shy and hook-up sex wasn’t appealing, and I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 19. 

She was older than me and had already slept with four guys so I didn’t tell her I was still a virgin. I guess I was embarrassed.

She would have had sex in the first week of us meeting but I kept putting it off because I was so nervous. I didn’t know how I’d measure up. 

We’d kiss and I went down on her once, but sex quickly went from something I was dying to try to something that made me feel really anxious.

She had no idea what I was going through and kept asking me why I didn’t want to have sex with her. “Don’t you find me sexy?”, she kept asking.

When we finally did it, it was a disaster and easily the worst day of my life. I couldn’t get an erection so the first view she had of my penis it was all small and asleep. 

She looked horrified but I came to life when she used her hand on me – then ejaculated within seconds, all over her hand. I was so humiliated I wanted to die. She was good that time: she thought it was funny and made a joke about it.

The next night we attempted to have sex but I ejaculated before I even managed to penetrate. She tried to be understanding but I could see her thinking, ‘Is this guy useless or what?’. 

We didn’t see each other for a week, and I worried myself sick about what would happen the next time. My worst fears were confirmed: I managed to penetrate her but I ejaculated the second I did.

Technology and social media are making it easier for people to avoid real-life relationships (stock image) 

She broke up with me about two weeks later. I asked her if it was because of the sex and she said it wasn’t but that I was ‘a little too young’. She didn’t need to spell out that she knew I was inexperienced and had been a virgin.

That was five years ago. I haven’t even tried to date or have sex with anyone since. I don’t have trouble attracting women, but I don’t want to humiliate myself again. 

The thought of having sex with anyone ever again is so stressful, I would rather just DIY and watch porn than put myself through that again.’

‘Sex is supposed to be about pleasure but for me it’s a world of pain.’

Eliza, 32, got married five years ago and was diagnosed with endometriosis around the same time.

‘Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus grows outside of it: it makes things stick together that shouldn’t. I’ve had it five years and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. 

Sex is supposed to be about pleasure – for me it’s now just a world of pain. It’s ruined my life. It will probably cost me my marriage and stop me becoming a mother.

The reason it hurts me so much is because my endometriosis is just behind my vagina in the lower uterus. It can grow in different places – and this turns out to be the worst for anyone wanting to be able to continue to have sex. 

It’s also made my vagina stick to my rectum and I have scarring elsewhere as well. Any kind of penetration pulls and stretches everything.

It doesn’t just hurt when I’m having intercourse, it hurts for hours afterwards. The cramping can last days. I am so anxious and fearful about sex, I’m never “wet” or relaxed. It hurts from the second he enters and just gets worse the deeper he goes.

My husband is understanding but we’re young – both in our early 30s. We should be enjoying each other’s bodies and thinking about making babies. 

I feel so guilty for denying him something he enjoys so much. I’ve told him he can get sex elsewhere, if he wants to, he has my blessing. The thought of him sleeping with another woman kills me but what can I do?

I would give anything to be able to enjoy sex like normal people do. But I’m at the point where I can’t bear to do it even one more time because the cost is just too high.’

Listen to SexTok, Tracey’s weekly podcast, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Visit traceycox.com for her blog, books and products.