Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for five years. For most of our relationship we’ve had a healthy sex life (about four times a week), but after I gave birth to our daughter a year ago we hit a rough patch.
So we decided to spice things up in the bedroom in an effort to reinvigorate things. My husband begged me to tell him my deepest and darkest sexual fantasy and promised that whatever it was, he would make it happen.
I’ve never been turned on by anything crazy – I’m not into toys or props… but there is one roleplay that I’ve always wanted to try.
However, when I confessed the secret desire (teacher-student roleplay), my husband freaked out.
I simply suggested that I wear a sexy schoolgirl outfit and he pretended to be my teacher, and he acted like I was a total freak.
What hurt my feelings the most is that he said my ‘sick’ fantasy is all my dad’s fault.
You see, my father used to put so much pressure on me to do well in school and was adamant that I got perfect grades and went to a great college – which I did!
Dear Jane: I plucked up the courage to tell my husband my secret fantasy. Now he thinks I’m a freak – and he blames my dad
My husband thinks that I have suppressed all of the stress from my school days and that it is the reason for my adult sexual fantasy.
My dad is now dead and I find it extremely hurtful that my husband is blaming him for ‘messing me up’ (as he put it).
My husband even suggested I get therapy to ‘heal’ from the ‘trauma’ my dad caused me, but I truly don’t think it’s that deep. Should I go to therapy just to appease him?
From,
Schoolgirl Sins
International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her agony aunt column
Dear Schoolgirl Sins,
I don’t understand why your husband begged you to reveal your deepest, darkest sexual fantasy — promising to make it happen — only to then judge you so harshly for something taht is frankly pretty damn vanilla.
The truth is that your desire is less about the specific teacher-student roles, and more about a power dynamic.
I wonder if he would have reacted the same way if you had expressed interest in playing doctor and patient, or CEO and secretary.
It’s not as if these are uncommon fantasies, and women are starting to feel more comfortable expressing their desire to take on submissive roles in the bedroom. You only have to look at the success of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, or the recent movie Babygirl, to see that.
I have a friend who is an enormously successful businesswoman. She can come across as intimidating. Meanwhile, her husband is far more mild, always letting her take center stage.
But I recently found out that, behind the bedroom door, my friend gives up all control to her husband. She told me it is an enormous relief to not have to make decisions, and a huge turn-on to simply do exactly what she’s told for once.
All this to say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your fantasy.
All fantasies must of course involve mutual respect and ground rules. I think a good starting point would be to tell your husband very clearly that shaming you for revealing something he asked you to share is hurtful.
Once you have cleared that up, rather than letting him send you to therapy for doing nothing wrong, perhaps you should both seek out counseling to understand how to communicate more effectively.
You both need to educate yourselves on power-dynamic fantasies — perhaps his judgment comes from ignorance.
Finally, while I don’t know you, I can tell you unequivocally — and please feel free to share this with your husband — that your fantasy has nothing whatsoever to do with your late father.
