My wife stays out all night while I’m at home caring for our newborn. Now her ATM withdrawals have me worried: SAUCY SECRETS

Dear Jana, 

My wife and I have a five-month-old baby, and I feel like I’m the only one who’s being a proper parent. 

She still wants to go to concerts, party with her friends, and sometimes even stays out all night, leaving me to do the night feeds alone. She says she ‘needs to feel like herself again’ but I’m struggling to see how that justifies abandoning our baby for up to 18 hours at a time.

On top of that, I’m also concerned because I’ve seen several ATM withdrawals of $300 from our joint bank account while she’s out, and we all know what that means.

She banks her breastmilk for when she’s out and the next day, but I’m concerned they may still be contaminated with substances that aren’t good for our child. 

I don’t want to be controlling, but I also don’t want to be the only responsible parent.

Am I being unreasonable? 

Anonymous.

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll be honest: right up until you mentioned those $300 ATM withdrawals, I was ready to jump to your wife’s defence! 

I mean, she carried around a watermelon (your watermelon) for nine months, without even the help of a cold, crisp glass of chardonnay.

However, if the $300 withdrawals are what we think they might be, then I’m going to have to tell you to pull up your big boy pants and start demanding answers.

It’s one thing to let your hair down and cut loose for a while after a major life upheaval, but it’s another thing entirely to put your child’s health at risk. 

In fact, if I’m honest with you, I’m a little surprised, as a husband and father, that you have waited this long to take action.

No, you’re not being unreasonable – but you are being an enabler. It’s time to share your feelings and fears, both of which are entirely justified, and start working on a game plan to get your wife straightened out.

Now, we don’t want to be too harsh on her. Her hormones are probably going up and down like a rollercoaster and she deserves a sympathetic ear – but also a stern word. 

I would go so far as getting your mother-in-law (or a close family member) involved, to check on her and see if she is doing okay.

If she’s anything like me, she may be using partying as a distraction to avoid facing the fact her life has changed significantly.

So when you talk to her, you need to first acknowledge something important: that you understand becoming a mother is a total identity earthquake; that you can see she is having a hard time processing how she went from a person with total autonomy – able to drink, dance and disappear whenever she pleased – to having to be someone whose body, time and sleep are no longer entirely her own.

Tell her it makes sense that she wants to reclaim some of that freedom. 

But remind her that you become a parent, too. And, unlike her, it sounds as though you don’t get to disappear with your friends all night and snap back to reality when it’s convenient.

While she’s chasing her old life on the dance floor, you’re at home being both mum and dad. And that’s not fair.

Talk to her. Properly. Not passive-aggressively, not in a sarcastic ‘oh, must’ve been an expensive Uber’ way, but in a ‘I love you, I’m worried, and this can’t continue’ way.

Tell her what you’ve noticed, how it’s making you feel, and, most importantly, ask her why she’s doing this. Is she feeling lost? Trapped? Bored? Scared?

It might be easier to believe she’s just chasing fun, but you can have fun without staying up all night and spending $300 every weekend on, well, you know what.

And if she brushes you off, this is the moment to stand firm – not as a jealous, controlling husband, but as an equal parent.

I really hope this is just a case of post-baby rebellion gone rogue. But if it’s something deeper, you owe it to your child, and to yourself, to take it seriously. 

Dear Jana,

I’ve always trusted my best friend, but lately her friendship with my boyfriend is making me uncomfortable. 

It started with the occasional group chat banter, but now she’s constantly sending him memes, tagging him in posts, even DM’ing him inside jokes that I’m not part of. 

The other night, he laughed at his phone and I knew she had texted him even before he told me. She swears it’s innocent, and my boyfriend insists there’s nothing to worry about, but why does she need to be talking to him so much? 

Am I overreacting, or is this a red flag? And how do I set boundaries without looking insecure or jealous?

Sasha.

Dear Sasha,

Oh, Sasha. Red flag, red flag! I get being friendly with your best friend’s partner, but when you find your boyfriend giggling at his phone because of her messages… well, it’s not on.

What’s wrong with keeping things in a friendly group chat? That’s literally the whole point of WhatsApp. 

And the fact she’s sliding into his DMs with inside jokes you’re not part of? That’s where ‘we’re just mates’ starts to sound a little dodgy.

I mean, it’s an entire storyline on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills right now, and let’s just say Kyle (the meme queen) isn’t exactly coming up roses.

Now, is she outright trying to steal him? Maybe not. But is she overstepping? Absolutely. And if she’s as good a friend as you thought, she should respect your feelings without you having to spell it out. 

I remember a friend getting snarky at me when I shared a meme with her boyfriend that we had been joking about the day before, and I hate to say it, but fair call on her behalf.

At first, I felt defensive, but once I turned off the ol’ ego, I realised I’d probably be annoyed if the shoe was on the other foot.

So here’s how you handle it without looking insecure: Have a casual but firm chat with your boyfriend first. 

Something like, ‘Hey, I know you say it’s harmless, but the one-on-one messaging is starting to make me feel icky. Can we agree to keep things in the group chat?’ 

If he’s a good guy, he’ll get it and naturally dial it back.

And if your bestie really is a bestie, she’ll have no problem adjusting her behaviour once she notices how much it bothers you. 

If she gets defensive or dismissive, then you might have bigger questions to ask both of them.

Because, not to freak you out, but crushes on friends’ partners are far more common than we think. So try putting some firm-but-fair boundaries in place first. That might extinguish the fire a little.

Dear Jana,

First of all, I want to state that I have no issue signing a prenup. 

I get that protecting assets is important. But my fiancé recently had his lawyer draft one, and buried in the agreement was a very strange clause: if we divorce, I have to return all the gifts he’s ever given me!

At first, I laughed it off, thinking it was his lawyer just being overly cautious. But he’s completely serious. It was his suggestion.

Apparently, this includes jewellery, handbags, even my engagement ring. He says it’s ‘only fair’ since he spent so much money on me over the years, but it feels weirdly transactional.

Now I can’t help but wonder if he’s thinking this way before we’re even married, what does that say about our future? 

Am I overreacting, or is this a massive red flag? Should I sign, negotiate, or run?

Justine.

Dear Justine,

I have a brilliant divorce lawyer friend, and he’s always very clear on one thing: a prenup is a negotiation, not a demand. 

You should never – I repeat, never – accept the first offer. It’s all about give and take, and any good lawyer will tell you the first drawn-up prenup is just a starting point, not a final contract. 

Treat it like a first draft. I mean, what would Elle Woods say for heavens sake!

Now, I get the word ‘prenup’ can send a shudder down the spine of many, but we should actually love a prenup. Yes, when done right, it protects both of you. 

But this? This particular clause is a giant, flashing, neon red flag. Why? Because it’s not just about assets – it’s about control. And anyone who has been in a controlling relationship before will recognise this red flag all too well. 

He’s already tallying up what he’s ‘spent’ on you, like you’re a financial investment instead of his future wife. And if he’s thinking this way before you’re even married, what’s next? A monthly invoice for your share of the grocery bill?

So, should you sign? Absolutely not. Should you negotiate? Maybe – but only if you have your own lawyer to go through this with a fine-tooth comb. 

Yes, legal fees aren’t cheap, but trust me, they’re a whole lot cheaper than signing away your financial future. Ask any woman who thought her marriage would last forever and then was left with nothing. Sigh.

And if he digs his heels in over this clause? I’d be seriously questioning whether this is the kind of marriage you want. Because a man who’s this concerned with what he ‘gets back’ in a divorce is probably not the kind of partner you want to skip down the aisle towards.

Is this really the man you want to build a future with? Like Oprah says, ‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them!’