BEL MOONEY: I’ve fallen in love with my late husband’s brother. But the guilt is stopping me from being happy…

Dear Bel,

I don’t know if you’ll read this, but it’s the first time I’ve told anyone. I’m 57 and was with my wonderful husband since the age of 20 and we planned to spend the rest of our lives together.

However the universe didn’t agree and David died two years ago from cancer.

We didn’t have children as we were just so happy together.

We loved our holidays and both had good jobs so that as well as being very happy we were financially secure.

After his devastating death I never thought I would meet anyone, mainly because I simply wasn’t interested.

But I’ve fallen in love with David’s brother Simon – always there for me and a good friend for over 30 years.

Both single, we’ve realised, over the last few months, that our feelings are mutual. We enjoy being together and often like to talk about David – which gives us both comfort.

But I can’t move forward as the guilt is stopping me from being happy.

I know we could be happy together and enjoy the future, but it feels like Simon is taking his brother’s place.  

Pippa

Bel Mooney replies: Thank you for confirming my belief that we can never say ‘never’ because we simply cannot know what the universe (or Fate, Destiny, God, as you prefer) has in store.

I read all my letters carefully, but it’s not so often I receive one as short and sweet as this love story of yours.

But we’re talking about two love stories, aren’t we? You and David were all-in-all to each other during the lucky time you had on this Earth. His death left you utterly bereft and during those dark days it must have been such comfort to have the support of his brother Simon.

At times it might even have felt that Simon’s very presence seemed to bring the spirit of David back into your life.

Now we have the second love story. You could never have imagined falling in love again but you have – not with ‘a stranger’, but with the good man you have known for more than 30 years: the friend, the brother-in-law who loved you as his brother’s wife, but now loves you just for yourself.

I had no idea there was ever a problem with a relationship like this, but it was illegal for many years. The relationship between in-laws was seen as close as blood relatives – which of course, rationally, it is not.

The first change, in 1907, only allowed a man to marry his dead wife’s sister – this to help families where the wife had died at childbirth and her sister stepped in to look after the family. It wasn’t until 1921 that a further change came because so many men had died during the war, leaving many widows and children struggling to survive.

Also, thanks to you, I now know about the Levirate marriage. This was a custom in which the brother of a deceased man is obliged to marry his brother’s widow. It was/is practised by societies with a strong clan structure which forbade marrying outside the group.

It was regarded as for the good of that society for a man to ‘take his brother’s place’.

Since I regard the love you and Simon have discovered as cause for celebration, I just wonder what you mean by ‘move forward’.

You ask about the ‘future’ – when my instinct tells me that you must live in the present and take this new version of an old relationship very slowly indeed.

Two years on, your grief for your husband is still quite fresh. You and Simon can comfort each other by remembering David, but also take joy in the development within your feelings. Guilt should have no part in it.

But it concerns me that you are worrying about what people will say. That would be natural, but shouldn’t dictate your feelings since, given time, they do get used to new situations. That’s why I urge you to enjoy time together and just live in the moment.

Given your long and happy marriage, I can only imagine that David’s spirit would wish you joy.

Dear Bel,

Our adult son has had a difficult time all through and since childhood, with a number of challenges to face. Since a serious illness he has a weakened immune system, so is not a strong person. Living with us, he has no friends or social life.

His job doesn’t pay well and involves a round trip of two hours. We’re pensioners and live in the country; there’s nothing suitable for him round here, even if he had the confidence to apply.

His closest companion over the past few years has been his cat, but sadly Maisie died suddenly six weeks ago. Only six, she was run over early one morning and was killed instantly. My son found her with horrible injuries and brought her home.

He blames himself as he had to get up earlier than usual that day, otherwise she wouldn’t have been out. He couldn’t take a day off work and it made him late. His totally unsympathetic boss said: ‘It’s only a cat.’

He’s been distraught ever since and can’t see any way forward. My heart is breaking for him and I don’t know how to give him support. He’s not eating properly or sleeping and constantly breaking down in tears. He won’t go to the doctor, consider counselling or the Samaritans or phoning pet bereavement lines, but would be interested in speaking to someone within the church.

He feels Maisie will be lonely and frightened with nobody to look after her and hopes she is in heaven and that he will see her there soon.

We are believers but not churchgoers, although recently I’ve been to church to pray for guidance.

I did email our vicar a couple of weeks ago to ask if there is someone our son could talk to about his feelings but received an automated reply and haven’t had a response as yet.

Queen Camilla lost her beloved dog recently and my heart broke for her and all those suffering the loss of a pet. We are desperate to find support to guide our son through this difficult time. Is there anything you can suggest? 

Pat

Bel Mooney replies:  Anybody who says, ‘only a cat’ or ‘only a dog’ is guilty of a massive failure of empathy and should keep quiet.

Even if not an animal lover, they should have the humility to understand that there are deep human emotions their imagination just can’t understand.

Listen to me: a beloved pet is family to those who grieve for its precious presence in their lives.

Of course, to a woman mourning her husband, or a man watching the slow death of his wife as dementia takes hold, or a young couple weeping for a baby, such a sentiments about an animal may seem crass.

I do understand that.

But I would gently suggest to them that the love felt, especially by the lonely, the sick, the depressed, the vulnerable, for a precious animal companion is…well… immense.

That’s all you need to know, even if the meaning is beyond your comprehension. It is easy for me to understand, Pat, why your poor son is grieving for his beloved cat, but you need to tell him calmly that wishing he were dead too, is no help to Maisie. He needs to listen to what her little soul is telling him right now. Which I’ll come back to.

But let me start with a quotation: ‘When at last you understand the ease with which the essence of life is expressed in a purr or a wag, you are diverted to a new path through the woods.’

What is that path? Well, those words come from a book about pet bereavement (Goodbye Pet & See You In Heaven) I wrote to find out what could be learned from my grief for one tiny dog, Bonnie, who died in 2015.

My quest took me along many paths, discovering the way different cultures (Egyptian and Hindu, for example) have tackled the question of whether animals have souls.

In that book I quote some lovely readers’ letters to me, published in the Mail.

One lady wrote: ‘As a practising Christian, I came to the conclusion if God thought the Garden of Eden was not complete without animals, why would heaven be any different? It’s comforting to think of all my cats sitting on the angels’ laps…’

In Matthew 6, Jesus says: ‘Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.’

Careful reading of the New Testament reveals that Jesus was well aware of lessons to be learnt from the smallest creatures, like a sparrow or a hen.

The main lesson concerns care – and I believe loving an animal is a great teacher.

So I just want your son to know that his feelings matter.

If it helps him, look up the legend of the Rainbow Bridge, because it can bring comfort. Then suggest to him that this wise woman here in the Mail says that the love we feel for a beloved pet has a purpose.

Since Maisie taught him exactly how to love, that precious lesson must not be wasted. It’s too important. He must listen to her contented purr within his heart and … soon … rescue a little cat who needs him as much as she did.

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.