BEL MOONEY: At 61, I had an affair with a younger man who has two children with his 32-year-old fiancée. Here’s why I don’t feel guilty

Dear Bel,

Recently ‘Evie’ asked you, ‘Can I move on from my husband’s betrayal?’ Well, I am one of those people decried as ‘the other woman’ – just at the end of a four-year affair with a man who has everything.

He’s in his mid-50s, his partner is 32 I am 61. He was well-known, and his partner, too. They have had two children while our affair has been running and they will marry next year.

Oh why did he push our very close, long-standing, platonic friendship into an affair? Because he could – he’s tall, athletic and totally gorgeous, articulate and unbelievably charming.

I am highly successful in my field and we have had some very intense, luxury stays in hotels throughout the land.

He courted me with telephone calls, expressing longing to see me, even when with her.

Yes, I had a husband, but after 30 years of marriage we’d become a sexless friendship and I am in the process of leaving him. He remains ignorant of the affair.

My behaviour was reprehensible so – although broken-hearted – I’m not expecting sympathy. I’ve told no one; even I can’t see why, with the pleasure of a 32-year-old at home, he schemed to be with me for a night or two. You were so correct when you explained these men do it ‘because they can’.

I was so flattered when he made a move on me because I never felt he’d look at me because of the age difference (although I’m no aged harridan!). I was so in love – but now wonder what’s wrong with him.

Life goes on, but I’m not sure I’d bet on him ‘forsaking all others’ next year.

You rightly cite the ability to compartmentalise; he was attentive, loving and I was his world – when I was with him.

It was intoxicating and addictive and made me desperate for the next time. I deluded myself into believing I was giving him something he wasn’t experiencing in their relationship.

I’m hurt, a little bitter, but know you will ask if I feel guilt. Yes, for my husband, who did not deserve this.

Apart from that… I’m afraid not. As I see it, guilt is his cross to bear. What do you think?

Emma

BEL MOONEY REPLIES: It is brave of you to write and I’m glad you have been able to put the case for that often reviled person, ‘the other woman’.

Not that you would see it that way, I’m sure. But your honesty in describing how you were flattered by the attractive man’s attention, and fell in love, and longed to be with him, and just lived for those rendezvous in hotels…all will be recognised by other women in your position.

You are a successful person in your own right, and yet love turned you into an addict, with no thought for the consequences of your actions.

I hope and pray that feeling of total recklessness (so common in humankind) does not lead you into any sort of vengeance now. By that I mean, to be blunt, you don’t take it upon yourself to tell this man’s fiancée exactly what kind of man she is marrying.

They have two children; disclosure would only hurt you even more in the end. Maybe you haven’t thought of revenge but that would make you a saint. You say you are ‘bitter’ – and it’s easy to see why. You have been ditched by the very charismatic younger man who dominated your thoughts for four years.

He was your friend and colleague before that, so you knew him well, but still you were unprepared for the onslaught on your feelings. The fact that you fell for him so heavily must have been massively pleasing to his ego.

So the lucky bloke could be making babies with his much younger girlfriend, while meeting you for sexy trysts in hotels and assuring you that all the time he was with her he was thinking about you. What a two-timing s***!

Yes, I mentioned compartmentalisation in my reply to ‘Evie’ a couple of weeks ago, but just because I’m right, it doesn’t make the behaviour better.

Quote of the week

A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes – and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer (German pastor, 1906 – 1945, in Flossenbürg concentration camp, Germany)

But I know that for a certain kind of person (male or female) it isn’t that hard to be two people in the same body, arrogantly, greedily wanting everything to fall into your lap and stay there.

I doubt he ever feels guilt about anything. Anyway, now it’s ended you have to pay careful attention to what you will do with the rest of your life.

Is it really all over with your husband? A contented marriage without sex could be the very thing you need, after the emotional chaos of your affair.

A friend, a companion and some peace….that sounds just fine to me. You say he knows nothing – and I hope he remains in that state of ignorance while you suffer in silence. I can’t believe you ever thought your lover would leave his partner to be with you; you just had to live in the moment and enjoy the thrills.

Now you have to live in this moment of tough realism, but realise that it will pass. I hope you can disguise your hurt feelings and focus on your success in your profession – and ditch the bitterness. In your heart you must have known it would end like this. No choice but to deal with it.

Can a mother’s love forgive everything?

Dear Bel

My 33-year-old son is in prison on remand, because of accusations made by his ex.

She has accused him of coercive abuse. He was originally put on a tag and told not to contact her, but carried on seeing her.

When he finished with her in August she reported him to the police. He was refused bail until his court case in January.

I’ve had years of problems with him as he is addicted to weed. He’s never worked and gets £1,300 a month in benefits, but was always trying to get money from me and his grandmother.

Now he’s being evicted for rent arrears while in prison. I can’t have him move back home as I don’t trust him. And recently my wonderful partner has moved in, with his teenage son.

I am at a loss.

Where will he go when leaving prison? I went to his flat after he gave me permission to open his mail and I saw he has thousands of pounds of debt for unpaid water bills, mobile phone etc. The list goes on.

How can he be in debt when he pays no rent/council tax? I’m really fed up with the whole drama and honestly feel like taking a huge step back to keep him at arm’s length. I never heard from him unless he wanted something. What is your advice?

CAROLE

BEL REPLIES: People make many assumptions about motherhood, one common one being that a mother’s love for her child is unconditional. I always thought that, too, until a chance meeting at a Christmas party many years ago opened my eyes.

I got into conversation with a stranger and, perhaps because she’d had a couple of glasses of wine and didn’t know me, she made a confession that shocked me.

Her adult son, who had moved back home, was making their lives a misery because of his addictions.

There were times when, off his face on alcohol and heroin, he even attacked her to get her purse.

Then came the bombshell; she confessed that when she saw an ambulance speeding across town in the direction of where they lived, she hoped in her heart that someone had dialled 999 because her son was lying dead of an overdose.

That might shock some readers, but I wonder if it truly shocks you.

Since that day I have encountered other parents driven to utter despair over the behaviour of children they once adored.

Of course, there is the heart-searching in the blue hours of night, when everything is magnified, and they wonder, ‘What did we do wrong?’

And occasionally they can answer that question, because they have guilt over not enough time spent, or a broken marriage…but the truth will be forever hidden.

I tell you all that to let you know that I understand your anger and despair – and perhaps your guilt as well.

I can also see that it will do your son no good to know that you now have a new ‘son’ – the one who is living in your house with his father, your ‘wonderful partner’.

Nevertheless I feel you are right to ‘step back’. You have your own life to lead, and now a chance of happiness, and I cannot see why you should be obliged to sacrifice that because of a myth about unconditional mother-love.

A man of 33 has made his own choices and has to bear the consequences of his actions.

Whatever might have damaged him in childhood or whatever bad friends led him astray, the fact remains that he chose to spend the benefits, given him by a too-generous society, on cannabis.

If only there could be an intervention one day – perhaps in the shape of a strong partner – to set him on the right track. But I agree that it cannot be you.

And finally…always try to challenge yourself

I’d messaged my old friend/personal trainer Debbie to say I’d bought myself a rowing machine and was aiming for 500 metres a day, and it clearly made her smile.

Her laughter emojis amused me, too.

Just like my wonderful current trainer, Jenny, Debbie says ‘use it or lose it’. As you get older you simply have to take exercise seriously and build it into your life. I’ve been taught well.

So the water rower arrived, my husband assembled it, and the gentle swooshing sound in the water-tank is supposed to make me think I’m on the river.

Did I ever think I’d spend money on such a thing? An emphatic NO! But am I glad I’m determined enough to do so? That’ll be a Yes.

The story behind the purchase is significant. I told you about our recent holiday in the Bay of Naples, looking at Roman sites such as Herculaneum. What I didn’t confess was becoming exhausted to the point of tears.

This year’s tally of a bad chest infection, followed by a hip operation, followed by shingles, followed by post-herpetic neuralgia took its toll – much more than I expected. Even though I have gym and Pilates sessions every week my energy levels were, I discovered, at rock bottom.

What to do? I absolutely hate being beaten by any damn thing, so this challenge to myself is to build up stamina as well as working out. It’s all very well having biceps (which I’m proud of!), I need to get the legs going and the endurance built up.

Long walks don’t appeal, especially as cold weather triggers my asthma. So it’s rowing for me. And just note the phrase ‘challenge to myself’. Who else is going to get you going, to take control of your wellbeing?

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 9 Derry Street, London

W8 5HY, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities.

Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.